Thursday, September 30, 2010

We Need A New Word for Underdog


"An owner no one respected. A trainer past his prime. A horse no one believed in. A movie title too lame to pronounce."

If Disney thinks this horse is an underdog, wait til their movie attempts to race at the box office.

Positively Not


Yesterday I received this Meet Up email inviting all HIV Positive gay people who live in the O.C. to get together for some drinks. Okay, someone is spreading vicious rumors about me; I do not live in the O.C.!

Also, for any potential suitors out there, rest assure with my recent rendezvous, it would take an act of Oprah for me to have a cold sore, let alone HIV.

If You Don't Know Me By Now...(part 3)

Once more, my boyfriend Amazon has guessed my movie taste with haste. After I rebuffed his recommendation for The Blind Side, he throws another Sandy pie in my face.

Amazon, propose something else before I dump you for a man named Congo.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

6 Years Wiser


I recently celebrated my sixth anniversary with the city of Los Angeles.

In that time my goals have shifted, when I first moved to L.A. I wanted to land a role on a sitcom, soak up the sun, and get a few Vanity Fair covers under my belt.

Now I want an apartment with a bedroom, laundry that doesn't require quarters, and parking that isn't subject to Monday street sweeping restrictions.


I'll get there, someday.

Monday, September 27, 2010

This Ain't No Crystal Light


This weekend I dined at another one word L.A. eatery titled Lemonade, known for their lemon mixology (blueberry, cucumber mint, acai, ect.).

The girl in front of me actually asked, Does the lemonade contain sugar?

I wanted to assume the role of salesman and tell her lemonade will contain no sugar the day your brain contains no water...in this case, maybe she had the right to enquire.

The Air Conditioned Throne


Today I stopped by the bank and the teller had the nerve to complain to me about the heat. You are in a 70 degree bubble, I'm the one biking my ass to your air conditioned throne. I'd give anything today to have a job where you don't move and have bullet-proof glass heat protection.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Face/Off


If you want to receive passionate communication from the women in your life, post what you consider flattering photos of them on Facebook.

One girlfriend made me remove pictures of her because what she was wearing was too revealing...you're the one who bought it.

Another forced me to remove a photo because it showcased her embarrassing book collection behind our faces. It's not my fault you read Why Men Love Bitches and forgot to hide the evidence.

If you're this worried about being outted for the terrible literature you consume, buy a Kindle.