Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Date Night

To the straight couples holding Prop 8 anti-gay marriage signs outside the San Francisco courthouse today, seek marriage counseling; date night should not involve foam board and sharpies.

P.S. don't use a restroom within ten miles of the courthouse; you never know what the gays have done in there.

Agnostic Narcissism

Dear Anne Rice,

Nobody cares about your Christianity or lack there of. The only thing we wish our celebrities to ruminate on is their sexual indiscretions (And in this case that is not necessarily welcomed either.) Congrats on being 30 years ahead on the whole Vampire thing though.

Please Accept My God Bless You,

Jason Romaine

Toast of the Fiesta

The engineers at Tostitos have found a miraculous way to de-liquify lime into a powder substance they sprinkle on their chips. The result is delicious...until you wonder what the magic dust actually consists of?

I've resolve to deal with these chips the way our country deals with gays in the military and keep chomping away, no questions asked.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The L Word

To insure my brother and his wife visit me again, I have called the maintanance man to fix my sink. (He is out buying a snake as I type.)

To insure my maintanance man does a good job, I must stop calling him Jose. (His name is Luis; if the dice is in my favor, Jose should be his middle name.)

Best Western

If you want to know everything that doesn't work in your apartment, invite house guests in for inspection. Last week my brother and sister n law spent a week at my place in Los Angeles, and were quick to dissect the eccentricities of my abode:

My kitchen sink only drains when you turn on the garbage disposal.

My shower offers independable pressure and temperature.

My fire alarm beeps every 20 seconds. (Only between six am & seven am.)

My clicker cannot move up and down via the channel button. (You must press the exact channel you want in order for it to function.)

I did score high points for hospitality, Laura Ashley towels, and my comfy queen mattress which, to the best of my knowledge, is bed bug free.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Tea Tree My Aussie Bum

Why does Australia rule the market on trendy hair care products? The only Aussie who ever dazzled us with her locks was Nicole Kidman, and she bleached them far and away over eight years ago.

Don't be fooled American consumer, we have Eucalyptus trees in the U.S.

Crate or Straight?

Yesterday morning I fantasized about a girl I had a crush on in 1998; I began to panic, am I straight?

Later that afternoon I fantasized about a bed set I encountered at the Chicago Crate and Barrel in 2005; my fears subsided.