Sunday, May 30, 2010

To the iPad Naysayers

To those who claim the iPad doesn't 'do' anything, I offer proof that you are incorrect.

With one touch it has revitalized Juliette Lewis's career; she hasn't gotten this much press since she starred in Kalifornia with Bradley Pitt circa '93.

(Sidenote: She should have been Oscar nominated for Whip It; J.Ro's favorite performance of 2009, no diggity no doubt.)

No Bustiers Allowed

Being the token fag hag at the gay club does not translate to being cast in a Mariah Carey video.

This note goes out to you, Ecstasy. Yes, you've earned a nick name from a stranger (never a good sign) for prancing around in your black bustier* like some drugged out Selena.

Where's Yolanda Saldivar when you need her?

*(it was almost as disturbing as my wannabe Julia Roberts photo...see below)

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Brown Alpaca vs. Buckwheat Flour

As I attempt to refashion my apartment I'm having difficulty finding a paint that offers both a hue I desire and a name that sounds cool. I might enjoy the look of Lagoon, but Artisan Well rolls off the tongue with much more fervor.

Also, White doesn't exist anymore. Instead, Martha Stewart has me in a love triangle with Glass of Milk and Bakery Box. Tailor's Chalk is also tantalizing me with it's whimsicality.

These are the moments where being a gay middle class American feels insurmountably difficult.

Monday, May 24, 2010

From Brad, to Jodie

Above is a picture of J.Ro taken less than a week ago, where he exudes confidence and looks somewhat like a pre-Angelina Brad Pitt. Or so he thought.

Since this photo was snapped I've been mistaken for a woman, twice. Once by a female flight attendant and again by a robust lesbian on The Abbey dance floor. She groped my H&M Blazer with lust, so I glared at her dead on. She proceeded to fondle my shoulder pad with indefatigable fervor.

I guess my haircut is coming off more Jodie Foster than Dustin Lance Black.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Snickers or the Stone?

Last week in the Dallas Airport I discovered Rosetta Stone, the language learning software that sells for around $500, on sale via a vending machine. How long of a layover is required to justify purchasing Rosetta Stone as if it's a Baby Ruth?

Saturday, May 22, 2010

'Sex' Predictions

S&TC2 hits theatres on Wednesday, and I predict Little Brady Brady will be diagnosed with either Autism or Aspergers; poor Miranda.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Hero of the Week = Dolly Parton

On O-Dog's Fridays Live the Dollywood admits to losing a West Hollywood Drag Queen Look-a-like contest...of herself!

"They must have thought I was some little gay midget."
-Dolly to Oprah

She is beyond a national treasure.