Friday, April 30, 2010

Trusting the Red Bullseye

Some people fear HPV, global warming, or international travel...for me it's the giftcards I purchase for family and friends at Target. What if the money somehow doesn't get transferred onto the card by the disgruntled minimum wage worker? Since all my family and friends (except three) are white, they would never tell me my giftcard was faulty; they would, however, tell everyone else. I might give impersonal gifts, but I don't want to be painted as any cheaper than I already am.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Death Verdict

British people with a midget are funnier...though seeing James Marsden's ass made this remake worthwhile.

Death Match

Today I'm off to see the new version of 'Death at a Funeral' to determine if black people with a midget are funnier than British people with a midget.
(This better make up for Cop Out, Mr. Morgan!)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Inbox Full

This Blue Ray phenomenon scares me. I don't know about you, but I can't afford to purchase You've Got Mail in yet another format. I love Tom, Meg, and Nora, but those bitches have seen enough of my money.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Shield My Eyes

Wouldn't it be a miracle to make it through one commercial break of O-dog (I can't afford Tivo) without Brooke Shields peddling something. She is the Colgate Queen, Coppertone Cutie, and Latisse Lady...I'm just waiting for her to replace the bearded guy from Men's Wearhouse.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Marie My Ole Mistress

After 15 years, last week I made my triumphant return to Marie Callendar's. I forgot the joys of gravy on top of hash brown eggs, three buttermilk pancakes, and a muffin...all for $7.99! What a siren she is. People in the suburbs have no idea how good they got it.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Idol Worship

Am I a Clay?

Or A Ryan?

The younger lads think the latter (read below)

This Saturday, a 12 year old kid told me I looked like Ryan Seacrest. 'You mean, Clay Aiken.' I retorted. 'No. Ryan Seacrest!' He responded with vigor. I couldn't help but blush. There might be hope for me yet; all I have to do is seek out Seacrest's tailor (his suits are the nicest cut we've seen since Bob Barker) and stay away from Aiken's hair stylist. J.Ro OUT.