Friday, August 31, 2012

The Skinny Ruler

If Bob Harper spanked me every time I ate carbs, I'd be morbidly obese.

169 Days of Gropping

In New Jersey, perps get one hundred and sixty more lives than cats. If given a proper make over, he might resemble James Brolin.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Spirit of Morning, The Soul of Daytime

In her promo, Katie Couric says "my mom gave me my spirit, but my dad gave me my soul."

I'm tuning in to find out the difference between spirit and soul. And to see if Matt Lauer pops out of a cake wearing AussieBums.

The Juice Is Loose

Armstrong denial is to white people what O. J. denial is to minorities.

Cake Without Candles

Don't remember us celebrating this birthday when he was alive?

Missionary Mansion


The Diane Keaton inspired interiors on The New Normal are the hottest architecture porn since It's Complicated.

You'd think Salt Lake City would celebrate such regard for mission style.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Taylor Vaughn

Taylor Swift's career as a wedding crasher is so much cooler than her career as a musician.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Angels I Think Not

In a bizarre case of gender misidentity, Victoria's Secret sent me a ten dollar coupon for my birthday.

This is offensive. My birthday isn't for three weeks. No thirty year old woman likes to be preemptively reminded she's turning a year older.

Our First Guest This Evening...

Once Obama gets re-elected, can my girl Michelle be spared these degrading late night appearances?

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

J.Ro's Ball Drops Again

Last night I willingly participated in more self destructive behavior. Yet another reason I shoulda canceled my Netflix.

P.S. Michelle & Zac are totally the new Tom & Meg.

Get Cash 4 Rights (Update)

I'm officially in a Twitter war with a handle who disapproves of me and my dream cat.

Hateful comments mean one thing: I've arrived.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Boogie Tweets

Breathe and repeat: I will not follow @JamesDeen. I will not follow @JamesDeen. I will not follow @JamesDeen.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

More Acting Like You Care Required

Facebook is now posting reminders of wedding anniversaries along with birthdays.

If I'd known they were going to do this, I never would have went to middle school.

P.S. Happy anniversary Mandy; sorry I'm seven days late!

Insatiable Hungers

Fans are lining up at Wal*Mart for the midnight release of The Hunger Games DVD.

The only way I'm lining up at Wal*Mart is if Soderbergh released an unrated director's cut of Magic Mike.

Save It For New Hampshire

Is driving a Saab really something worth vanitizing over?

Bad Girl Gone Oprah

Oprah's Rihanna interview is the gay man's Superbowl.

It's required three trips to Costco and I still don't have enough Popchips.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Abbey Surprise (Part 1)

A few months ago The Abbey banned bridal parties from entering the bar with feather boas and penis straws.

But now there's nobody to buy me free drinks.

Abbey Surprise (Part 2)

Last week I met a guy at The Abbey who didn't know who Snooki was.

There still are some signs of intelligent life in West Hollywood.

Notebooks & Jeans

These Target Back To School commercials are agitating yet addictive.

I haven't wanted a new backpack this badly in years.

Kills 99.9% of You

Lysol may destroy brain cells...

But my fridge has never looked so white.

Things I Shoulda Done

Edith Piaf's most famous words may be Je Ne Regrette Rien, but her
last words were Every damn fool thing you do in this life you pay for.

With La Mome in mind, I birth my newest venture Things I Shoulda Done: Mastering the Art of Regret. Click below to see the sonogram.

Warning: This may require reading more than 140 characters.

Dreamgirls: The Sequel

Even if Sparkle isn't good, we must agree to act like it is.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Models Inc.

My sister in law says I should audition.

Not that I'm model material, but next to Drew Carey, I might be able to fool the audience.

Living In Candyland

First Magnolia moves down the street, now Georgetown is opening across the street.

It's as if God doesn't want me to have abs.

It Girl Factory

Each time I go on vacation, I return to find a hot girl I've never heard of on every magazine cover.

Off to google Miranda Kerr.

Get Cash 4 Rights

Tired of fighting for gay marriage? Watch the inimitable Kate Lambert's Get Cash 4 Rights, featuring the imitable J.Ro.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Sex Will Never Do Without Herb

If you want to get your libido back to it's sixteen year old self, visit the Herb Ritt's L.A. Style exhibit at The Getty.

Nothing feels better than looking at porn for the sake of art.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Catwalk Curmudgeon

Can Karl Lagerfeld give it a rest already?

Goodbye, Coach Sylvester

Having finally witnessed Sporty Spice wearing something other than Adidas, I can die a happy gay man.  

Friday, August 10, 2012


My brother is straight, which means he follows Tiger on Twitter. I'm gay, which means I follow Tiger's Perkins waitress.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Meryl Morissette

Never in my moviegoing life did I imagine I'd witness Meryl Streep attempt a You Oughta Know on Tommy Lee Jones.

Now that's brilliant screenwriting.


The Olympics would be more tolerable if God hadn't created the butterfly stroke, but less tolerable if God hadn't created Ryan Lochte.

Shaken & Stirred

Daniel Craig's body in the 007 Skyfall trailer left me questioning my validity as a man.

But it was worth every morsel of insecurity.

Keith Avenue Heartache (Part 2)

Dear Bret Easton Ellis,

If Tommy Lee Jones is our image of real hetero, shouldn't Matt Bomer be our image of fantasy hetero? Even straight people deserve eye candy.

Fifty Shades Freed,


If anyone's hiring a research assistant to archive online images of Matt Bomer, I'm qualified.

Keith Avenue Heartache

Bret Easton Ellis was spat on outside the WeHo Pavilions last night after tweeting that Matt Bomer isn't right to play Christian Grey due to his status as an openly gay actor.

That's so unfair. I've tried to exchange bodily fluids in that parking lot for years. Guess I better tweet casting sanctions on Zachary Quinto.

The Bright Hope Rises

Off to see Hope Springs, also known as The Gay Man's Dark Knight.