Friday, July 27, 2012

Renaissance Man

After hosting the Oscars, obtaining three MFA degrees, publishing short stories, and curating art exhibits, I'm surprised James Franco couldn't find a way to infiltrate the US Olympic Team.

Shoreditch Millionaire

If Danny Boyle can make the Mumbai train station seem whimsical, then I can't wait to see what he does with 12 horses, 3 cows, 2 goats, 10 chickens, 10 ducks, 9 geese, 70 sheep, and 3 sheep dogs.

Do Not Open

This book seemed intriguing, but the title inspired me not to read it.

Grocery Hierarchy

This photo proves Gelson's is superior to Pavilions. Hope to one day acquire enough wealth to compare this sandwich with Whole Foods.

Camo Cargo Coupon

My credit card company sent me a coupon to American Eagle, it's nice to know someone still thinks I'm drinking with a fake ID.

Cut It With The Cute Stationery

It's bad enough when people tell you to keep calm, but now we gotta hear it from our journals?

One Eyed Monsters

If attending the opening ceremonies, don't leave your children alone with these mascots.

Moby Dick

This is either the most boring title ever, or it's the gay man's Fifty Shades of Grey.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Get Your Homeo On

Newly anointed California's Funniest Female Shelagh Ratner joins J.Ro & MP to discuss anti-gay Chick-fil-A, Mercury in retrograde, and Diane Lane crushes.


The best part of dog sitting is getting free HBO.

The second best part is watching The Newsroom with a mate who's unable to call you out on not understanding half of what's being said.

Trans Omega

I may become transgendered just so I can reside in one of these UCLA sorority mansions.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Move Over, Josh

Diane Lane's Inside The Actor's Studio makes me wish I were straight.

I once served her clover honey at the Larchmont Village Farmers' Market. It was the most heterotic moment of my life.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Say No To This Waffle Fry

Dan Cathy has proudly pleaded "guilty as charged" when it comes to his company, Chick-fil-A, being anti-gay marriage.

Now we must wait for Mr. Cathy to get caught in a gay sex scandal. If this cow costume is any indication, the kinky details will put Haggard to shame.

Mike's Misinformed Mic

Don't know which is more disturbing: Huckabee equating gay boy scout leaders with child molesters, or Huckabee still being allowed to speak publicly?

Smart Men State the Obvious

J.Lo's new squeeze was recently quoted sayings this...

Thanks, Casper. We never woulda guessed.

Murphy's Law

One Million Moms has commenced a campaign against the NBC gay themed sitcom The New Normal.

These homophobic child rearers better watch out. Don't they remember how well Ryan Murphy schooled Kings of Leon?

I'll Take Lust

The movie Se7en turns me on. The sexiness of mid-nineties Brad Pitt completely trumps the grotesqueness of the head in the box.


I sometimes worry about repeating jokes on my blog, thus allowing some idiot to make a mocking video like this Sorkinism clip.

Comparing myself to Aaron Sorkin is one of my best delusional traits.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Google The Phrase Cray Cray

This boycott allows The American Family Association to acquire even less knowledge about the present day world than they already have.

Electric House

Thanks to today's Emmy nominations, I've learned the show is called Downton Abbey, not Downtown Abbey.

I thought Maggie Smith seemed too frail to reside off the Piccadilly line.

Forbidden Love

I'm trying to remain angry at Kirk Cameron, but he's such a seductive mix of ignorance and dimples.

There Will Be Blood

Tampax is attempting to make nature's cycle seem like a monthly gay pride parade.

Evil Twin

First he humiliates Maria, now he's out to embarrass Danny DeVito.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Free Narcissistic Litmus

I recently found this brochure outside my L.A. apartment.

In a town where the only curiosity anyone has points inward, I cannot believe they had to promote such a self-actualizing free appraisal.

Latest Episode

Comedian David "Rosie" Rosenberg joins J.Ro & MP to discuss college endowments, OkCupid aliases, and Andie MacDowell's acting chops.

Friday, July 13, 2012


In the latest edition of O, Oprah coins the newest Gabby Hoffmanism: SOL (Scream Out Loud).

Somewhere high above the Hearst Building, Nora is smiling.

Divorcing Seacrest

Don't know which is sadder: J.Lo leaving American Idol, or her announcing plans to revive her film career?

If Over Twenty Nine, Do Not Read

This article does wonders for any thirty year old suffering bloated confidence.


Heinz Sponsored Holiday

According to Twitter trends, today is National French Fry Day.

How is this different than every other day in America?

Pfeiffer Fever

As a gay man, it's disturbing how much Anne Hathaway in this cat suit turns me on.

Chamber Bugs

Today I witnessed these mattresses being smuggled out of The Chamberlain Hotel in West Hollywood.

If you've lodged at this establishment any time within the past ten years, call 310.657.7400 to request a refund and vaccine.

Careless People

If my life were The Great Gatsby, Hollywood would be the Valley of Ashes and the Spa Luce girl would be Dr. T.J. Eckleberg.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Billboard Methodology

Dear Anti-Drug Campaigns,

Meth isn't like Gin, it doesn't become a problem. If partaking in any capacity, you (unquestionably) have an issue.

1994 D.A.R.E Graduate

Jai Push Up

The bras at K*Mart are brighter than a Bollywood set.


 No valid excuse for why I was in this aisle.

Professor Klump

In my cruelest moments, I fantasize about Dr. Oz getting fat.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Skinny Bastard

This manifesto asks women not to be a fat pig...

...but not to become anorexic either.

To assume women can find a happy medium between the two, leads me to believe this was actually written by a clueless straight man.

No Envelope Necessary

Blue Cross would save postage if they'd create a postcard that reads We're charging you more.

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