Friday, July 27, 2012

Renaissance Man


After hosting the Oscars, obtaining three MFA degrees, publishing short stories, and curating art exhibits, I'm surprised James Franco couldn't find a way to infiltrate the US Olympic Team.

Shoreditch Millionaire


If Danny Boyle can make the Mumbai train station seem whimsical, then I can't wait to see what he does with 12 horses, 3 cows, 2 goats, 10 chickens, 10 ducks, 9 geese, 70 sheep, and 3 sheep dogs.

Do Not Open


This book seemed intriguing, but the title inspired me not to read it.

Grocery Hierarchy


This photo proves Gelson's is superior to Pavilions. Hope to one day acquire enough wealth to compare this sandwich with Whole Foods.

Camo Cargo Coupon


My credit card company sent me a coupon to American Eagle, it's nice to know someone still thinks I'm drinking with a fake ID.

Cut It With The Cute Stationery


It's bad enough when people tell you to keep calm, but now we gotta hear it from our journals?

One Eyed Monsters


If attending the opening ceremonies, don't leave your children alone with these mascots.

Moby Dick


This is either the most boring title ever, or it's the gay man's Fifty Shades of Grey.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Get Your Homeo On


Newly anointed California's Funniest Female Shelagh Ratner joins J.Ro & MP to discuss anti-gay Chick-fil-A, Mercury in retrograde, and Diane Lane crushes.

Newsies

The best part of dog sitting is getting free HBO.


The second best part is watching The Newsroom with a mate who's unable to call you out on not understanding half of what's being said.

Trans Omega

I may become transgendered just so I can reside in one of these UCLA sorority mansions.
 



Sunday, July 22, 2012

Move Over, Josh

Diane Lane's Inside The Actor's Studio makes me wish I were straight.


I once served her clover honey at the Larchmont Village Farmers' Market. It was the most heterotic moment of my life.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Say No To This Waffle Fry


Dan Cathy has proudly pleaded "guilty as charged" when it comes to his company, Chick-fil-A, being anti-gay marriage.


Now we must wait for Mr. Cathy to get caught in a gay sex scandal. If this cow costume is any indication, the kinky details will put Haggard to shame.

Mike's Misinformed Mic


Don't know which is more disturbing: Huckabee equating gay boy scout leaders with child molesters, or Huckabee still being allowed to speak publicly?

Smart Men State the Obvious

J.Lo's new squeeze was recently quoted sayings this...


Thanks, Casper. We never woulda guessed.

Murphy's Law

One Million Moms has commenced a campaign against the NBC gay themed sitcom The New Normal.



These homophobic child rearers better watch out. Don't they remember how well Ryan Murphy schooled Kings of Leon?

I'll Take Lust


The movie Se7en turns me on. The sexiness of mid-nineties Brad Pitt completely trumps the grotesqueness of the head in the box.

J.Roisms

I sometimes worry about repeating jokes on my blog, thus allowing some idiot to make a mocking video like this Sorkinism clip.


Comparing myself to Aaron Sorkin is one of my best delusional traits.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Google The Phrase Cray Cray


This boycott allows The American Family Association to acquire even less knowledge about the present day world than they already have.

Electric House

Thanks to today's Emmy nominations, I've learned the show is called Downton Abbey, not Downtown Abbey.


I thought Maggie Smith seemed too frail to reside off the Piccadilly line.

Forbidden Love



I'm trying to remain angry at Kirk Cameron, but he's such a seductive mix of ignorance and dimples.

There Will Be Blood


Tampax is attempting to make nature's cycle seem like a monthly gay pride parade.


Evil Twin


First he humiliates Maria, now he's out to embarrass Danny DeVito.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Free Narcissistic Litmus


I recently found this brochure outside my L.A. apartment.


In a town where the only curiosity anyone has points inward, I cannot believe they had to promote such a self-actualizing free appraisal.

Latest Episode


Comedian David "Rosie" Rosenberg joins J.Ro & MP to discuss college endowments, OkCupid aliases, and Andie MacDowell's acting chops.

Friday, July 13, 2012

SOL



In the latest edition of O, Oprah coins the newest Gabby Hoffmanism: SOL (Scream Out Loud).



Somewhere high above the Hearst Building, Nora is smiling.

Divorcing Seacrest


Don't know which is sadder: J.Lo leaving American Idol, or her announcing plans to revive her film career?

If Over Twenty Nine, Do Not Read



This article does wonders for any thirty year old suffering bloated confidence.

 

Heinz Sponsored Holiday

According to Twitter trends, today is National French Fry Day.


How is this different than every other day in America?

Pfeiffer Fever


As a gay man, it's disturbing how much Anne Hathaway in this cat suit turns me on.

Chamber Bugs


Today I witnessed these mattresses being smuggled out of The Chamberlain Hotel in West Hollywood.


If you've lodged at this establishment any time within the past ten years, call 310.657.7400 to request a refund and vaccine.

Careless People


If my life were The Great Gatsby, Hollywood would be the Valley of Ashes and the Spa Luce girl would be Dr. T.J. Eckleberg.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Billboard Methodology


Dear Anti-Drug Campaigns,

Meth isn't like Gin, it doesn't become a problem. If partaking in any capacity, you (unquestionably) have an issue.

Jason
1994 D.A.R.E Graduate

Jai Push Up

The bras at K*Mart are brighter than a Bollywood set.

 

 No valid excuse for why I was in this aisle.

Professor Klump


In my cruelest moments, I fantasize about Dr. Oz getting fat.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Skinny Bastard


This manifesto asks women not to be a fat pig...


...but not to become anorexic either.


To assume women can find a happy medium between the two, leads me to believe this was actually written by a clueless straight man.

No Envelope Necessary


Blue Cross would save postage if they'd create a postcard that reads We're charging you more.

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