Thursday, May 31, 2012

This Smile is Bananas

The summer time Banana Republic model appears a tad too excited about her money, good looks, and Croatian vacation plans.

Until autumn arrives, I'm cheating on her with J.Crew.

Idol Angst

Pardon my absence, I was too devastated by last week's Idol results to type.

Which is odd, being that I don't even watch the show.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Nora Knockoff

To the person pretending to be Nora Ephron on Twitter, thanks for briefly making my day...then promptly ruining it.

Hung Jury

Suits ads leave me confused as to which tie I'm more attracted to.

To reach a fair verdict, I'll have to watch the show.

Juicy Sins

This book takes sacrilege to a whole new level.

Friday, May 18, 2012

The Alias Next Door

The titles of the wireless accounts in my vicinity make me happy to not know my neighbors.

Philandering Phone

Owning a Blackberrry is like dating a politician.

If left out of your sight without locking him down, he will sext people without your permission.

Homeo & Juliet

New episode of my podcast with comedian Mary Patterson Broome features celebrity guest, Drew Droege.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Caddyshack 3

Just when we thought golf attire couldn't get any worse.

Disorderly Conduct

This month's Atlantic claims Facebook feeds loneliness and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

If it wasn't for Mariah Carey, NPD would be the initials of my blog.

The Flying Horse

Airport artwork should never attempt to emulate Chagall.

(Tucson Airport, 2012)

Tour de Lance

Calm down, Armstrong.

This is Men's Journal, not Details.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Well Suited President

To celebrate Obama's endorsement of same sex marriage, I'm off to buy a new H&M suit.

Pray this endorsement doesn't lead Billy Graham to call for the systematic bombing of gay-friendly retail shops.

Carrie On

To assuage my sadness over Amendment One passing in North Carolina, I've commenced a Sex and the City marathon.

Pray the Amendment is repealed before I'm forced to watch the second movie.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Bullseye Missed

The Shops At Target are here, but I'm too svelte for the Webster belt.

Thanks to size inflation, there's gonna be a lot of overweight men wearing coral.

Love Him, Please.

 (Williamsburg, 2010)

Will a girl please have sex with this man already? He's traded his stickers for scaffolding.

(Fairfax District, yesterday)

Instagram of a Mad White Woman

How is Vanity Fair still uncovering nude photos of Marilyn?

If Norma Jean was this good at hiding negatives, I'd love to watch her stash an Easter basket.


Demi finally changed her @MrsKutcher Twitter alias.

Now all of us with no lives must find a new cause to consume our time.


If you're attending the happy hour at Canter's, you best reapply your kippah and reconnect with your faith.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Chanel Showgirl

This Mother's Day, can Chanel pick another image of Keira Knightley?

This photo reminds me of Elizabeth Berkley circa 1995, not my mom.

Wedding Warning

If Brangie ties the knot before gay marriage is legalized federally, there's gonna be alotta bitter LGBTQ cater waiters with access to the Moet.

If I were George, I'd B.Y.O.Dom P.

Passe Newsletter

Now that we have Facebook, let's place a moratorium on e-newsletters.

I'm already avoiding you in my newsfeed, Beverly Hills Tennis Club.

Spray Me Jealous

Was having a good self-esteem day...

Until Givenchy mailed a reminder Justin Timberlake looks better than I, smells better than I, and drives a better car than I.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Passe Bumper

Now that we have Facebook, let's put a moratorium on bumper stickers.

Anybody who remotely likes you already knows what you "like."

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Housesitter (Part 1)

Housesitting makes me reflect on all the things I don't have:

A dishwasher.

A sectional sofa.

A house.

Housesitter (Part 2)

This weekend I house sat for a friend.


Movies make housesitting appear to be an opportunity to meet men. In reality, it's an opportunity to watch said films on a plasma HD.

HBO Handicapped

The bottom line is...if The Hand That Rocks The Cradle is on HBO, I'm calling you to reschedule.