Thursday, April 26, 2012

Double Ply Magnolias

My invitation to Wake Forest Homecoming weekend left me feeling melancholy...not because I miss college, but because I still can't afford double ply toilet paper.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

J.Ro & The Chocolate Factory

Today I spent seven dollars on a jug of chocolate covered almonds; therapy might have been cheaper.

Men's Wearhouse

When a guy looks this good in a suit, it catapults him from Lucky One, to Chosen One.

Julie Never Tasted An Egg, Until She Blogged.

After confessing to having never tasted oatmeal, many Romaniacs expressed concern regarding the home situation I grew up in.

Debbie Romaine is an excellent cook, she simply believes life's too short for egg whites; oatmeal falls under this category.

PayPal Princess

Another day in Los Angeles, another trust fund depleted.

Sowing My Wild Oats

At the age of 30, I just experienced my first cup of oatmeal, ever.

Guess I'm not as upper middle class white as I appear.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Perez Pardoned...But What About Us?

"Everyone deserves a voice, not everyone deserves a microphone."
                                                                              -Aaron Sorkin

Last night Perez Hilton repented in America’s hottest church, Oprah’s Lifeclass. Like many viewers, I feel a mixture of emotions towards the blogger. I also feel a mixture of emotions towards the ways we contributed to his success. As a comedian, I know all too well the drunken state of validation that comes with the audience’s approval, or simply, the audience’s attention. For seven years we’ve supplied his blog with attention (and thus approval) with every click.

Hilton was one of the first to take the internet, make it a microphone, and use it at full amp. He capitalized on a dormant feeling within our collective consciousness; a feeling of isolation and frustration. Until roughly ten years ago, if you weren’t a person in the public sphere, you didn’t have a voice (at least not one that traveled easily). Since the invention of television, pop culture consumers have been swallowing images through a one-way medium, without means to label pills easy or hard to swallow. Internet made the images more pervasive, but also allowed the consumer to comment on the images.

And comment Perez did. He democratized fame in a devilish fashion, and in doing so, unconsciously anointed himself the bully of Hollywood High. But we must have been craving this bully; someone casting fear (for once) not on the nerds, but on the homecoming court. By viewing, we signed a contract of acceptance. And so a dance began, which included millions of participants. Not even Perez can flash mob alone...well, he could, but it wouldn’t go viral. Shaming his bully-hood is undeniably fun, but we can’t lose sight of the fact we embraced him.

Perez told Oprah he used to justify his behavior as “comedy,” but Perez was not embraced for his comedy; he was embraced for his shock. Comedy has a premise, shock does not. Comedy aims for truth, shock aims for only the ugly truth. Most importantly, comedy contains story, and story makes the storyteller vulnerable. It’s this vulnerability that makes what Kathy Griffin does art, and what Perez does...well, something else. A comedian tells jokes, not comments. Jokes aim to express a greater truth through an opinion, whereas comments are mere opinions. Perez was always a commenter, never a comedian. But like a car wreck on the highway, most of us slowed to 5mph to inspect his comments.

The question isn't what Perez’s celeb-bashing rise and Oprah-approved transformation says about his journey towards self awareness, but instead, what it says about ours? If you’re like me, you’ve posted something (that last Yelp review?) that contained a Perez-type cadence. As a comedy blogger, I struggle daily to appear somewhat irreverent yet show I’m capable of reverence; Hilton’s brand of entertainment never aimed to display this capability. But it’s undeniable his success celebrated a seed that, albeit ugly, at times blooms within us all. The keyboard beckons us to display our wilting rose to the world, when maybe a diary entry would suffice. Watching last night, I couldn’t help feel we were all caught acting as if we don’t live in glass houses.

J.Ro's glass house tweets @jasonromaine

Beautiful Soul

Some people say Soul Cycle is a cult, but cults don't have cute logos.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Perez Pardoned

Today I learned a valuable lesson.

Play mean for a long time, then play nice, and you'll get to meet Oprah.

Mein Locks

After my last trip to the salon, a co-worker started calling me Adolf.

Is he mocking me, or did Hitler have good hair?

*pardon the offensively collegiate refrigerator in the background.

Gleeless Gotye

Gotye has publicly denounced the Glee version of his song, "Somebody That I Used To Know."

Producers of the hit show replied, You didn't have to stoop so low.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Jiu-Jitsu J.Ro

The day I register for this, you'll know the Kool-Aid's gone to my brain.

When Jason Met Nora

Last night I dreamt I met Nora Ephron; off to launder my bed sheets.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Graffiti Greatness

Whenever I consider accepting my reality, Banksy inspires me to remain delusional.

Lessons Madea Can't Teach You

Like every single girl, I'll be taking notes on my Blackberry in the AMC.

Ketchup In Ashtonville

The new trend in town is restaurant made, organic, ketchup.

Leave it to Los Angeles to ruin french fries.


I just learned Madonna's album title, MDNA, is a play on ecstasy.

Another 30 going on 13 moment for J.Ro.

Friday, April 20, 2012

LA Exodus

The bottom line is...Los Angeles is more tolerable without the Coachella people.

Administrative Professionals Day? Part 1

Magnolia is making up fake holidays to keep us feening for their buttercream.

Administrative Professionals Day? Part 2

This made up holiday offers office drones an excuse to buy proper Magnolia items for 4.20. Smart.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Let The Magic Begin

The first Magic Mike trailer has been released; best quote thus far: You don't wanna know what I have to do to get a $20.

Actually, Mike, we do.

Kim's Congress

She could, like, totally conquer the House of Senates.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Naughty Bachelor

Shouldn't African Americans feel honored this show underrepresents them?

Newsom's Newsies

My number one politicrush, Gavin Newsom, is getting his own show just in time for the election.

He promises to give Mitt a run for his hairline.

Baby Boom

Facebook posts such as these make me happy to be a single struggling gay comedian.

Friends of Fletcher

Pardon the break, been busy revisiting Murder, She Wrote on Netflix. Is it wrong to be jealous of a 70 year old woman's social calendar?

If Jessica Fletcher were on Facebook, she'd be at 5,000 friends. Though all 5,000 would eventually suffer brutal deaths, she'd have no troubles finding replacements...all of whom own charming vacation properties.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Crush of the Week = Garber Circa '97

When I was sixteen, the architect of Titanic appeared really old.

At thirty, the architect appears really right.


Is anyone else annoyed Rose owned this painting?

A. Her mom wouldn't have let her buy it.
B. It wasn't even exhibited until 1916.
C. If it sunk with the ship, how is it presently at the MET?
D. I've gotten too invested.


When I saw Titanic for the first time, I was young and slightly jealous of Jack's hair.

But with age you realize what's truly important, now I'm extremely jealous of Jack's hair.


After Titanic 3D, all couples in the IMAX started making out.

I wanted to escape, but Celine kept me in PDA imprisonment.

Nothing's Better Than Bextor

After three months in Amazon limbo, Sophie Ellis Bextor arrived from England today; It Gets Better held true to it's promise.

To J.Ro, From J.Ro

You know you're narcissistic when you accidentally send yourself e-mails you're addressing to another.

Phrase Envy

Yesterday I thought I created a new phrase whilst sending an e-mail.

Turns out it's already been coined.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Mindy's Make Believe Minion

I was enthralled and enchanted by Mindy Kaling's pilot, until she misspelled Gayle.

I should be hired as a staff writer to catch these errors.

Passover the Cream Cheese

This gentile just got denied a garlic La Brea Bagel.

Good for my breath. Sad for my soul.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Woman Part 1

If I get mistaken for a woman one more time, I'm gonna cause a fight.

Woman Part 2

I stayed true to my threat.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

3D Boyfriend

Seeking male escort to attend this historic event; my sitting in IMAX, alone, with goggles, would be a tragedy of Titanic proportions.

Salary will depend on strength of headshot and CV.

Driving With Scissors

Going out in Hollywood and getting a DUI is understandable.

Going out in Hollywood with this haircut is inexcusable.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Ayn't Applying

If it takes reading 1168 pages of Atlas Shrugged to get a scholarship, I'd rather pay full tuition.

Neilsen vs. Newspaper Subscribers

Most people feel embarrassed for Katie, I feel embarrassed for anyone who owns a Neilsen ratings box.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Burberry Bliss

This advert makes me wanna work a nine to five, and occur overtime.

LA Pride

In Los Angeles, people tag even about their least attractive attributes.