Wednesday, March 28, 2012

On The Street...Layered Knits, Florence

When The Sartorialist posts photos like these, who needs online porn?

Keep 'em coming, Scott.

Homeo & Juliet (new episode alert)

J.Ro & MP talk comedy with the inimitable Danielle Stewart.

JetBlue, EnvyGreen

Why wasn't I on this flight?

This scenario seems tailor made to serve as a chapter in my memoir.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Magnolia Make Out

A rainy Sunday in Los Angeles makes a single man horny.

Luckily, I found somebody to make love to.

Foxy Single Lady?

Friends With Kids appeared to be a realistic look into the lives of marrieds and singles.

Until Megan Fox shows up, wandering aimlessly around Central Park, without a boyfriend.

The Movie Event Of My Year

Last week, millions pre-ordered tickets for The Hunger Games.

I pre-ordered tickets for The Lucky One.

Betty Crocker's Account

Last week, Kimmy K was flour bombed by a spectator on the red carpet.

The perp told officials she was seeking the approval of Jon Hamm.

Amen, Sister

My feelings exactly, and I'm a thirty year old male.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Pop 'Dat Top

In 2012, there's no excuse for a can of soup not to have a pop off lid.

My kitchen's too small to house a can opener.

Friendly Fury

In the history of Email, there's never existed a friendly reminder that reads at all friendly.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Cuff Me, Please!

Next time there's a Sudan protest in Washington, remind me to tag Pelosi's town car, secure my place in minimum security, and pray he ends up in my cell.

Jump Out of the Theatre

More proof 2012 might be the end of us.

Homeo & Juliet (new episode alert)

Listen to our latest podcast, featuring ex-Prince Charming, Hunter Fite.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Baby Boom

Just when I thought I was through with The Grove, I discovered the Frank Sinatra fountain work out. These freshly anointed mamas make up for The Gap, Pac Sun, and Extra!

If only I had a baby and some baby weight.

My First Feature Roll

My love affair with Koi has been turned into a movie.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

"On My Way"

If my Quinn dies due to texting and driving*, I blame Coach Sylvester.

Quinn shouldn't have been training with the Cheerios! the past three years; she shoulda been home, watching Oprah.

(*Pardon my delayed reaction to this tragedy; I can't afford Hulu Plus.)

Friday, March 9, 2012

The Batmobile

Spraying your black Mercedes matte doesn't make you look like Bruce Wayne, it makes you look like you suffer erectile dysfunction.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Bra8, Jr8 & Ge8rge

Here's a sentence I was destined to utter, I'm off to see George and Brad.

If you're sick of my blog, then join the American Foundation for Equal Rights and watch the staged reading of "8" in support of every American's civil rights live via at 730pm pst tonight. The only way I will stop blogging is by one day receiving massive validation, namely from a husband.

SNL Affirmations

LinsLo has unwittingly begun using quotes from J.Ro's journal.

This either means she's turning normal, or I'm turning crazy; my money's on the latter.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Slap Happy Housewife

This week in court, Nicollette Sheridan accused Marc Cherry of slapping her in the face between takes on Desperate Housewives.

I believe it was Sean Connery who said "it's not the worst thing to slap an actress every now and again."

Losing Lolita

Now that Justin Bieber is eighteen, I need to find a new illegal crush to fixate on.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Homeo & Juliet

Reviews are in regarding my new podcast with fellow comedian Mary Patterson Broome!

The LA Times calls Homeo & Juliet "the most pretentious and self absorbed slice of media since GOOP." I couldn't agree more.

Hear us give Gwynnie a run for her gazpacho recipe @