Sunday, February 26, 2012

The Route to Redlands

It's no secret that AAA's Westways magazine is the biggest waste of paper since my first screenplay.

But to add insult to tree cutting, this month they feature Redlands as a potential day trip destination.

Deep Throat 101

I recently discovered UCLA offers a course on pornography.

I knew I should have gone undergrad on the west coast.

Friday, February 24, 2012


Is anyone else annoyed this whole Linsanity thing has to do with basketball and not Lindsay Lohan?

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Mercado Madness

The economy is so bad, even the 99 cent store had to lower prices.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Bubblebath Beauty

Regardless of religious or political preferences, I think we can all agree...

The last thing anybody needs to witness is Jessica Simpson lounging in a tub full of diamonds.

23 (part 1)

In this month's Vogue, Adele jokingly said she was taking five years off to foster her relationship with her new boyfriend.

After selling her last boyfriend down the river to such financial gain, I'm shocked she found another chap willing to supply more fodder.

23 (part 2)

Adele is so in love, she believes her next record will be "happy."

My heart wishes her relationship well, my ears wish her relationship much anguish.

LA Blizzard

When it falls below 70 degrees in Los Angeles, outdoor seating officially shuts down.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Delilah No Beaches Fan

Last week, Delilah After Dark gave a rare insider interview to CNN. When asked which song she never wants to hear again due to overplay, she responded, Wing Beneath My Wings.

Her publicists are relieved she didn't condemn the second most overplayed song of Delilah's career , I Will Always Love You.

Colon Colonna Apostrophe

This new Sarah Colonna book has me confused, I thought only celebrities who couldn't write got book deals?

Madgical Memories

Madge's Superbowl Half Time Show was so retro-tastic, it left me dancing like I was in the closet circa 1990.

Speaking of retro-tastic, I probably should have posted this thought eleven days ago.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Save It For Your Jaguar

It's one thing to drive a Civic and wear Nike.

But promoting these accessories is simply unacceptable.

Lunchable Lawlessness

At last, justice has been served.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Delusions of Davidhood

I already look so much like David Beckham, that my buying his H&M underwear might be considered overkill.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Smokey's Calculations

If you're going to fine someone $541 for smoking pot off Mulholland, you might as well round up to $550.

Dick's Dollars

Today I found this on my accountant's desk.

I wanted to complain, but my tax refund was too large to place in political limbo.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Gimme Moore

Regardless of what goes down in Demi's recreational time, she looks hot and that's all that matters.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Spring Away From Double Entendres

An official moratorium should be placed on magazines using the phrase spring forward.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Meter Maid

Even Jennifer Garner cannot figure out these new credit card parking meters, and she performed her own stunts on Alias.

ID Not Required

Life is so much sweeter now that Harry is past the age of consent.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Little Tokyo J.Ro

*I actually adore Stockard Channing; I don't know what came over me.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

I Believe You

Here's one way to keep others from tailgating you.

You've Been Trumped

We haven't seen an endorsement of this magnitude since Snooki backed Trump.