Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Soccer Punched

First straight people claimed soccer turned girls into lesbians. Now straight people claim soccer balls cause brain damage.

Don't slander soccer, straight people. Hell hath no fury like a gay man denied access to guys in Umbro shorts.

No Second Helpings

This Thanksgiving, I was struggling to find something to rejoice over.

But then I discovered this working class, against all odds, story and felt weighed down with gratitude.

Indian Thanksgiving

My Thanksgiving grin may stretch into December.

Sexiest Man Alive Bradley Cooper was spotted on a Vespa; I may have a shot after all.

Fern Mayo

More proof we must teach our children to be nicer to their less attractive classmates.

Even Craigslist Is Classier

If you're selling a Mercedes convertible, this isn't the way to attract upwardly mobile clientele.

Haters Gonna Hate

Starring Molly Harper & Kinner Shah.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Any Given Monday

Today, online consumers were incentivized to click on deals they can't afford.

How again is this different from the other fifty one Mondays?

Mondays Are For Dancing

Dance Shamelessly (With Passport)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Copycat Cancellation

Even though MJ is dead and gone, George is still trying to emulate him.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Black Friday Crimes

Four hundred thousand dollars worth of Louis Vuitton bags were stolen at Charles De Gaulle.

Luckily this time, none of the bags contained Lil Kim's jewelry.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Harry Situations

This week Harry made his Hollywood debut at Universal Studios, where he rode Jurassic Park, King Kong, and Revenge of the Mummy.

And we thought the time he dressed as a Nazi was tacky.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Pottery Wheel Will Spin Again

Calm down, People.

Demi didn't die. She just opted to end her marriage, like most sensible Americans.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Lars And The Real Boy

After working with Elmo on my short, Tickled To Death, I planned to give him to a needy child.

But when I come home he smiles, when I touch him he tickles, when I cry during Glee, he comforts me. That needy child can settle for Ernie.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Hero of the Week = Celine's Burglar

I don't usually praise petty crime.

But if you break into Celine's Montreal mansion, build a pastrami, and draw up a bubble bath, I'll make an exception.

A Picture Isn't Worth 140 Characters

Twitter must be stopped.

The Golden Boy

To the company that placed this on my car door, I don't need a fake tan.

I drive a gold Chrysler convertible; I'm white trash enough without your services.

Mondays Are For Dancing

Dance Shamelessly (Stood Up)

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Cry When You Get Older

Ever wonder what happens when they grow up? Chicago phenom, The Katydids, know the answer.*

*As a courtesy to viewers, this video contains no J.Ro.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

LGBTQ Progress?

Finally, a man was allowed to touch the holy grail of groins.

But when that man is Jimmy Fallon, our movement feels checkmated.

Miss Scarlett

Scar Jo's Vanity Fair cover had me feeling straight for one hot minute, but than I started fantasizing about her ex-husband.

Lady Skyy

If you're going to use Gaga in advertisements, respect her enough to include her face.

Hack Me

Last weekend, hackers went wild on the book of faces, posting lewd photographs on individual walls.

The fact they didn't target my wall left me feeling irrelevant, unpopular, and disenchanted with my social network.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Shame On Them

Last night I parked by a Hyundai trying desperately to be a Prius.

Excuse me, my crush works at Bank of America.

And declaring you've had enough of anything is simply un-American.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Shame On Me

I should insight hatred from a union; getting this type of free press in front of Neiman Marcus would prove career altering.

Tickled To Death

J.Ro discusses his future at The Rosie Show.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Times Square Tragedy

My week was going fine, until I realized I'm the only celebrity on the planet not featured in the New Year's Eve trailer.

If Ludacris and that girl from Little Miss Sunshine landed roles, I find it hard to believe Garry Marshall couldn't throw me a bone.

Times Square Tragedy (Times 2)

First I was rejected from New Year's Eve, now my local Baskin Robbins has been vacated after a car drove through it.

God does not take kindly to those who poke fun at Abigail Breslin.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

No Credit? No Problem.

Just when you think K-Mart can't get more tacktastic...

They reintroduce layaway.

Touch My Body

Like everyone, I'm impatiently awaiting an inappropriate music video to commemorate this achievement.

Discount Dissatisfaction

Dear K-Mart,

Can you install automatic doors? Like most who enter your establishment, I secretly believe I am too good to be there, and would prefer not to touch your door handles.

Purell Penalties.


I Wannabe The New Girl (Part 2)

I've successfully purchased my first cotton t-shirt.

In the process, I learned this cotton substance comes from India.

I've always wanted to visit India. And the faint scent of Bangalore on my shirt feels like a minor yet intoxicating form of wish fulfillment. Thanks, Zooey!

Monday, November 14, 2011

I Wannabe The New Girl

This week Zooey Deschanel introduced me to a radical concept, wearing cotton.

I'm off to explore sample textiles of this newfound material.

Mondays Are For Dancing

Dance Shamelessly (Home Alone)

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Versace Bag Lady

Selma Blair recently admitted to buying a thousand dollar Versace dress when she was twenty one and homeless.

Ironically, it was a Koala T-Shirt in Cruel Intentions that ultimately afforded the actress a hanger.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Heroes of the Month = Cain & Bieber

These two Romeos have left me feeling my sex life is utterly inadequate.


Today at Runyon Canyon, a dog owner boasted that Charlize Theron pets his unattractive mutt every time they pass her on the trail.

I reluctantly followed suit; if it's good enough for Charlize, it's good enough for J.Ro.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Duchovny's Diary

Netflixs, thanks for remembering I recently streamed Red Shoe Diaries.

I knew there was something I forgot to tell my therapist.

Rockets In The Air

Ireland's RyanAir announced they plan to offer porn to passengers.

I'm down, as long as they supply blankets.

Crush of the Month = Nancy Grace's Dance Partner

If he can make her shed twenty five pounds, I can only imagine the wonders he'd do for my body.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Fool Me Twice

This is the biggest drama the Academy has seen since Eddie Murphy walked out after not winning Best Supporting Actor for Dreamgirls.

Careful Cursive

Say what you will about the gays, but we always have pristine penmanship.

I Heart Rehearsal

Tower Heist director Brett Ratner has resigned from producing this year's Oscars after coining the slur, "rehearsal is for fags."

In his defense, the Tower Heist trailer seems so fagtastic I refuse to believe he's a bigot.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Early To Bed

While in South Beach this weekend, the Catalina Club tried to seduce me into an all night disco.

But I'm old enough to know if nothing kinky happens before midnight, it probably won't happen after. Plus, if I'm paying two hundred for a hotel room, I'm getting my eight hours of sleep worth.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Burn His Notebook

In a recent interview, Nicholas Sparks calls the process of writing "painful" and "arduous."

Those are the exact words I use to describe the process of reading his books.

Second Speaker

Today, Mark Zuckerberg graciously agreed to speak at his alma mater after it's most esteemed alumnus, Tatyana Ali, canceled last minute.

Horny Toad

This weekend I attended a wedding at Villa Vecchia, an Italian style venue in Miami.

There I discovered the creepiest Renaissance fountain of all time.

Something tells me it's not a Michelangelo original.

I Am Not Lola

Marc Jacobs, please don't make Dakota Fanning a sex symbol.

It makes watching I Am Sam disturbing for the wrong reasons.