Saturday, October 29, 2011

Mickey's Mistake

Leave it to Disney to make me feel bad about my single gay status.

You just lost my pink dollars.

Friday, October 28, 2011

The Mirror Has Two Faces

I consider myself a connoisseur of Adrian Lyne sex scenes (the kitchen sink in Fatal Attraction, the braille book in Unfaithful), yet had never seen the director's crown jewel, 9 1/2 Weeks, until last night.

Realizing Mickey Rourke

once looked like this

got me online at Kiehl's before the first sex scene commenced.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

In A Hopeless Place

Rihanna's latest radio hit We Found Love is so infectiously gay, it makes the 405 at rush hour feel like The Abbey at happy hour.

For those not familiar with LA, finding love in either of these places is equally hopeless.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Glide Over Fear

Fear and advertising make great bedfellows, especially when selling anti-aging skin products.

But regardless of how much anti-age cream I purchase, I'm old enough to realize using fear to market a ballpoint pen is fraudulent.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Kathmandu Calls

Dear Target Moms,

If your son displays even remote interest in the Lifescapes machine, it's too late. Purchase him "Sounds of the Himalayas" and a Rainbow Bright costume for Halloween.

Am I outing my age with that Rainbow Bright reference?


This week his daughter commences community service at a morgue, yet he still managed to upstage her.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Hard To Pronounce Drugs

This new drug targets the excess belly fat of HIV positive men.

Thanks to this insensitive advert, men with HIV feel pressured to stay beautiful. And every time I bloat, I feel pressured to visit the free clinic.

Wisdom Tooth

On November 5th, John Lennon's molar will be auctioned in England. Many wonder what type of Beatles fanatic would bid on such an item?

I wonder what type of creep has been curating this artifact for the past forty years?

Friday, October 21, 2011

Sunshine Cleaning

Not a good week to be a corpse.

Life Before The Envelope

Many Romaniacs have been asking, who is the actress living in your apartment complex?

I have enough creeps trying to break into my minimum security building because I live here; I respect my safety too much to incentivize more stalkers.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Life After The Envelope

The economy is so rough, an Academy Award nominated actress has moved into my building.

I was going to bake her cookies. But if she's renting a first floor apartment she probably can't further my career, and I'm not willing to be neighborly without an obtainable ulterior motive.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Versace Gangsta

Does anybody else have reoccurring nightmares where Eve beats you up for no apparent reason?

Photos like these don't help matters. Then again, neither does bringing her up on my blog.

Vision Of Love

Every time an actor with shapely eyebrows comes out, I rejoice.

But then must tirelessly refashion my vision board to include him. The next actor to come out better have unruly eyebrows; my glue gun needs a break.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Slushie No More

After two years, you'd think the Glee club would have convinced Principal Figgins to remove the slushie machine from the cafeteria.

Clinton's New Mistress

On Saturday, Gaga seduced the audience at the Clinton Foundation with the f word, the bird, and incessant flirting with Bill.

But when she accidentally called Hillary "hot," the crowd turned on her. Luckily, she won them back with "Bad Romance."

I've Found My Match

Who woulda guessed Lisa Ling and I share so many common interests?

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Ozzy Woolf

Not about to let Hilary Duff steal his bird's neck, Ozzy Osbourne has also published a book.

Like everybody, I'm impressed; he knows how to type?

Hilary Faulkner

Hilary Duff is officially a published author, and all I have is this blog.

I hope the ghost writer made a lot of spelling errors.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Out For Justice

Steven Seagal has been hired in Texas to guard the U.S. Mexico border.

I find this appalling. First these illegals steal all the jobs, now they're out to steal all the Steven Seagal autographs.

Flying High

Which is more predictable, her improper conduct or the fact it happened en route from Atlanta to Detroit?

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Tokyo Police Club

Japan is so safe, they can still fit their killers on Most Wanted posters.

In the States, we have whole websites dedicated to each category of criminal.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Konichiwa Kitty

You cannot

buy a spicy tuna roll

in Japan

without running into

Hello Kitty.

They even let her fraternize with Sesame Street.

It feels validating

to prove a cultural stereotype


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Courage Of Quitting

Like many middle class Mac owners, Steve's 2005 Stanford Commencement Speech has made me aspire to leave my current job.

The only problem is, my Apple Care doesn't cover unemployment.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Nine Months + Three Months

A year? What am I supposed to do with my life till then?

Bad Sequel

Today I start a campaign against C B 2.

I believe those with trust funds deserve normal sized furniture, lamps that are obviously lamps, and beds that contain box-springs.

Konichiwa S8t Guys

Finding love in Japan was hard. Even more so than the States, Japan is full of straight men who appear gay.

They wear dolls on their backpacks.

They ride cute bicycles.

They ride cute bicycles with baskets holding man purses.

They wear Seacrestified suits.

And they dress up like girls.

Okay. This one may be gay, I'm not into costume play.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

What's In Your Backpack?

Today in Paris, the Olsen Twins sold out of their luxury line thirty nine thousand dollar alligator skinned backpack.

For that price, the bag better contain a gift certificate for the masseuse they supplied Heath Ledger.

Bathroom Beautification

Everyone keeps asking what my favorite part of Japan was? My answer, the public toilets.

Display paper a la Bel Air Hotel.

Marble floors a la The Plaza.

Electronic Bidet a la gay B & Bs.

Why didn't the Allied Forces adopt this cleanliness post war?