Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Ferrari Fender Bender

Earlier today a Honda hit Justin Beiber's Ferrari.

Like everyone I was shocked, Justin Beiber is old enough to drive?

Lo on Confidence

In the August Vanity Fair my cousin J.Lo confesses "For the first time in my life, I can truly say I am loving myself."

If it took Jennifer Lopez till 42 to find self acceptance, what chance do any of us have?

Monday, August 29, 2011

Holy Guacamole

Los Angeles is full of the wrong people offering the wrong advice. One of these people is my neighbor, who told me to rub avocado on my face and hair to simultaneously cure black heads and dry hair.

My face and hair look the same, but my manhood feels a renewed sense of precariousness.

Hero of the Week = Joe Calderone

This weekend, Hurricane Irene had nothing on Hurricane Joe. Gaga's alter ego stole the show at the VMAs. He danced like Travolta, grabbed his crotch like MJ, and kissed Brit Brit like Madge. Even Beyonce's baby couldn't steal his stride.

While presenting Britney with a vanguard VMA, Joe confessed to touching himself to her posters (in his defense, we've all been there).

By the end of the evening, Calderone accomplished the impossible; he made Britney seem normal.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Hurricane Jon's

On the eve of Irene, it feels wrong to brag about Los Angeles to my east coast Romaniacs. But this week God shined on my city by closing Jons, the most revolting grocery store on the west coast.

Irene may serve up a weekend of destruction, but Jons has been endangering citizens with it's produce for decades.

John Lithgow Doesn't Live Here Anymore

This fall, Footloose returns to theatres; the story of a town where religion reigns, Mtv doesn't exist, and dirty dancing is not allowed.

To properly modernize the story, they filmed in a town seventy miles outside Tehran.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Naughty Neti

Growing older, you realize the milestones you missed. For me, it was cocaine. I never tried it, and unless I run into Whitney Houston in a unisex bathroom I never will.

To assuage my regret, I've purchased a Neti-Pot. Like Cocaine, you stick it in your nose and it feels deliciously wrong. But unlike coke, it shoots saline water up your sinuses and leaves them feeling deliciously right.

I'm a bad ass when it comes to health.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Scenes From The Mall

The Century City Westfield's "Lifestyle Center" has added dance lessons to it's roster of community events.

The only thing more depressing than shopping at Abercrombie, is learning to dance the tango in front of it.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Kardashian: 1 / Romaine: 0

Thanks to her E! media deal, over the weekend Kimmy K married to the tune of 2.2 million, while I served steak to the tune of 22 percent tip. Does Wal*Mart sell ammunition to accompany it's firearms?

P.S. Her groom's looking a little too White Party, if you get my glow stick.

First of the Month

To the Banksy wannabe who posted this message by my apartment, I wish I could afford to live here as well. It's called debt, Mr. Brainwash. Dig It.

Parent of the Year = Ron Howard

Ron's thirty year old daughter, Bryce Howard, steals the show as mean ass Hilly Holbrook in The Help.

Regardless of if he placed her in a great acting class or simply sang her racist nursery rhymes, she may receive an Oscar nod for rendering such a beastly beauty, and she's only got daddy to thank.

Mad Republic

Banana Republic has finally proven a theory I've held for years, Mad Men is kinda lame. Sorry, Peggy.

I'll still buy half the catalogue in a pathetic attempt to look like Hamm's Draper, even though I'm clearly more a Redford's Gatsby.

Who's Her Tailor

Ellen's suits are so well cut, she makes Ryan Seacrest look Men's Wearhoused. Even J.Ro struggles to match her pinstripes.

Friday, August 19, 2011

The Perks of Contagiousness

Gwynny's new film looks utterly scary and hellacious.

But the tagline reads utterly peaceful and heavenly.

What Achievers Read: Part 2

For those who found Harry Connick Jr.'s musings too didactic, there's a spin off magazine promising you success without leaving your sofa; every American's dream.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Barry Bonds for Jose Canseco

Yesterday in Santa Monica, I saw a bungalow up for sale or trade.

Houses are not baseball cards. To find two people who love each other's homes and both agree to discard their own for the other's sounds like a fantasy HGTV couldn't even fulfill.

S + P = 4ever?

Whenever I see things like this, I wonder if Steve and Patricia are still together? If not, they both must avoid their neighborhood sidewalk until an earthquake warrants a repave.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Celebrity Squatter

Since 2010, a homeless man has resided in Ann Curry's 2.9 million dollar UWS townhome, which she's been renovating for eight years.

Ann should hire this man as on-sight security until she finally decides on the right Moroccan tile for her kitchen, which according to Al Roker, may take another decade.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Climb the Hill, But Don't Reach My Summit

I'm all for Jonah Hill not being fat. But if he gets skinnier than J.Ro, we're gonna have problems.

Reid: 1 / Romaine: 0

Over the weekend Tara Reid got engaged and married; I got a bad haircut and watched It's Complicated by myself. Does Wal*Mart still sell fire arms?

Sunday Weighs On Us

I decided to make Sunday a gym day because anyone attending should be single.

Once I arrived, I realized everyone who attends is also unattractive.

Friday, August 12, 2011

What Achievers Read

Not feeling successful? Subscribe to Success magazine and learn how to succeed in, I guess, anything.

But before you spend the money, let me offer my own tip on how to garner success. Focus more on yourself, and less on Harry Connick Jr.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Cutco on Wheels

Yesterday I saw a knife sharpening store on wheels.

Unless they're supplying crystal meth along with sharpened cutlery, I don't know how they afford the diesel.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Sally's Smear Deal

Oprah may be over, but the reruns are still going strong. Today, Sally Jesse Raphael told Oprah she started wearing her red glasses because her doctor offered them on discount after performing a pap smear.

How can we move on without this hour of enlightenment?

The Millennial Fratellis

The Dougherty siblings are currently on a rampage, robbing banks and tweeting like there's no tomorrow.

Their familial spirit mixed with their violent behavior leaves me wanting to Netflix The Brady Bunch and Natural Born Killers simultaneously.

This trio redefines the phrase Going Rogue.

Details Demographics

Dear Details,

All 440,841 of your subscribers are openly gay, isn't it time you join them? Till then, keep the Jon Hamm covers coming.


P.S. Tell me more about this free messenger bag.

Cooler Than Rodney

This weekend London proved riots are better when performed with British accents.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Hollywood Hills Dictionary

Not sure which is more shocking, Spencer Pratt realizing the error of his ways, or Spencer Pratt using the word retrospect?

Thursday, August 4, 2011


As if the debt crisis didn't offer enough irritation, last night Obama brought in his 50th with a serenade from Jennifer Hudson.

Instead of presenting a cake, she signed him up for Weight Watchers.

Gay Twins

Of course, the minute I decide to grow stubble.

Lance Bass decides to do the same.

If we were boyfriends this might be cute, but we're not, so it's just irritating. Looks like my beard is going Bye, Bye, Bye.

Dash Down The Aisle

I'm already annoyed by how much attention E! will give her divorce.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Melrose Marathon

Last night I realized all seven seasons of Melrose Place are available on Netflix instant streaming.

I've officially changed my voicemail greeting to "out of the country."

Monday, August 1, 2011

Can't Touch My Calvins

If your alias on OK Cupid is yourunderwear, save some letters and go by your initials, STD.

Amos Not My Amiga

The worst thing about being gay is spam assuming you like Tori Amos.