Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Fresh Squeezed Scam

On Monday I made my virgin voyage to the ever cool M Cafe on Melrose; all my ever cool friends have raved about it for aeons. And just when I was starting to bathe in the ever coolness of it all...

They tried to charge me six dollars and seventy five cents for fresh squeezed watermelon juice; it didn't even contain alcohol.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

It's Not TV.

This past week I house sat for a couple who has HBO.

My Friday was consumed by vintage Rita Rudner comedy specials.

How do those who afford premium cable ever accomplish the work necessary to continue affording it?

Vanilla Trash

I recently discovered vanilla scented trash bags.

They've completely ruined the cachet of my Glade plug-ins.

Monday, July 25, 2011

How Sue "C's" It

If I have to read

one more thing

about who's graduating in season three

I'm going to transfer out of William McKinley and leave Lima behind.

Starting to understand why Sue hates them.

Vita Rock n Roll

Don't know which I find more tragic: the death of Amy Winehouse, or the destruction of Rihanna, who's currently on tour with Vita Coco.

Sunday, July 24, 2011


Once again, Hollywood knew just what the world was missing.

A sexy Smurf.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Sweet Surrender

Saw Sarah McLachlan at the Hollywood Bowl last weekend; she sang "I Will Remember You" and "Ice Cream."

By the time she belted "Adia," I was wishing I was a lesbian during the Clinton Administration.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The News Of My World

Today Zach Braff had to issue an "I'm not gay" statement after a hacker attempted to out the actor via his website.

All I can say about this straight hate crime is Murdoch inspired me to do it.

Poetry In Motion

Last week my car was in the shop, so I ventured where few Anglo-Saxon Angelenos have gone before, the bus.

On the bus I sat next to a poem.

Don't know which is more bizarre, the fact the poem was riding the bus, or that it was written in English.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Oh. My. Mila.

This morning, at the newsstand, the Devil tried to turn me straight.

Luckily, God quickly intervened.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

New Recipe For Loser

While in exhile during my bee sting, I served up some Julie and Julia.

In the film, Julie is a sad sack about to turn thirty: she lives in Queens, works in an office, and has successful frenemies. She also has her own cubicle, an architect husband, and an imaginary friend who knows how to cook. I'm about to turn thirty and have none of these things.

May She Not Testify

If you're going to stalk an Oscar winner, choose one who gave a cohesive speech.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Emma Hall

Dear Emma Stone,

If you really wanna be Diane Keaton, wear turtlenecks.



The Emancipation of Clay Pitt

For most of my adult life people have told me I resemble this.

But after spending twenty four hours looking like this.

I beat the bee, awoke this morning, and my mirror reflected this.

Being temporarily heinous does wonders for long term self-esteem.

J.Ro circa today, bringing sexy back like JT circa '06; how is that song already five years old?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My Girl 3

Yesterday at 2:49pm, while skipping to improv class, a swarm of bees tried to Macaulay Culkin my ass. One succeeded, stinging my forehead.

At first the puffiness made me appear freshly botoxed. But the next day I awoke to this.

(Warning: graphic material not suited for most Romaniacs)

I had morphed into Tom Cruise (in the second act of Vanilla Sky).

Such is the fate of twenty nine year olds who don't have day jobs.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Stepping in Style

I hate to use my fame to plug. But since turning twenty nine I've become a connoisseur of insoles, and this weekend I discovered these.

The science behind this may be defunct, but thus far the acupressure has me singing Robyn with every step I stride.

White Teeth

These Crest 3D White Strips better work.

Because spending thirty minutes a day looking like this is not good for anybody's confidence.

I Feel Pretty

I recently went on a date with a guy who said "Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't attractive."

In his defense, up until this comment he was really handsome.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Today I returned from shopping just in time to catch Will and Kate's fleet cruise down my street.

Caught up in the fervor, I dropped my Target bags and started waving at the illegally tinted Range Rovers; it was the jolliest low point of my life.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Emancipate the Princess

Newsweek editor Tina Brown has come under scrutiny for printing digitally enhanced photos of how Diana might look if she were alive today. The article even offers a mock Facebook page to highlight Diana's present day cultural orbit.

What I found most tacktastic about this enterprise was Tina not including my blog under interests, or my name under friends.

Dolce Data

Can anybody supply me the address of this Gabbana boy?

Even an accurate zip code will garner a hefty cash reward.

Cambodian Tourist Tote

In honor of spokeswoman Angelina Jolie, Louis Vuitton has made a limited addition tote.

Large enough to smuggle babies aged up to thirty six months.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Guilty Blouse

Casey Anthony's ruffles make me wish we hadn't taken away Perez's privilege to bully with the digital white pen.

Verdict Strikes a Chord

Like every American, I was shocked by yesterday's verdict.

Chord Overstreet isn't returning as a series regular on Glee.

Golden Boy On Wheels

Last week I caught this senior escaping assisted living in his electronic buggy, probably not licensed for LA thoroughfares.

If this is my fate in fifty years, may a 2060 Escalade take me out swiftly.

Miserable, Indeed

I cannot stand Les Mis. The problem is the plot, I cannot follow it.

I went to public school in West Virginia; all the history teachers were football coaches; we didn't learn about The French Revolution.

The playbill should include an explanatory diagram a la Rent.

Shrive for a New Beginning

If I was more straight I'd date her, if I was more gay I'd sport a "Team Maria" T shirt.

But so not Kennedy placing Shriver's drama in the "entertainment" section, CNN; almost as gauche as using her divorce for fodder on a comedy blog.

Longing for Larry

New York just officially became cooler than Los Angeles.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Hero of the Week = Matthew McConaughy

Although The Lincoln Lawyer may not be Netflix worthy, I've never seen a father look more F.I.L.F worthy.

His son better not drool on that suit.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Royal Wannabe

Shame on Prince Albert of Monaco, who had the audacity to marry a beautiful woman the same year Prince William married Kate.

I haven't seen a prince this desperate to emulate another man since I copied Justin Bieber's haircut.