Thursday, May 26, 2011

A Tree Falls in the Forest

Obviously the office drones at Wake Forest alumni services do not follow my blog.

If they did, they would know I waste so much paper on bad jokes, unimpressive resumes, and self aggrandizing diaries that I no longer deem it environmentally appropriate to also own a check book.

Sorry Glenn and Abby, but the only Simpson I pen pal with is Jessica.

Call Me Kurt

O.M.Ryan Murphy, is twenty-nine too old to audition?

Short Sale

My neighbors have taken a cue from Will Farrell's new movie and are hosting an "Everything Must Go" sale. Why did this slogan become popular? The first rule of sales is never appear desperate.

This point, though true, is moot in this instance because the dwellers behind door #2 are creepy hoarders; everything they own must go to one place, the dump. Even Goodwill would rightfully reject their offerings.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Long Beach Pride

Don't know which offends me more, gay people thinking I'm a lesbian or gay people believing I live in Long Beach?

Bangkok Blues

While on the topic of The Hangover Part 2, I must admit to feeling thoroughly underwhelmed by their tagline, "Bangkok has them." I'd prefer "What happens in Bangkok, stays in your blood stream."

This ' I tattooed my face' scene better be funny, and better be earned.

Bearly Legal

In Los Angeles, even Smokey The Bear is forced to turn up the sex appeal and dumb down to a younger demographic. Don't be surprised if he has a cameo in The Hangover 2.

Gaga 10,000,000 / J.Ro 32

Recently Lady Gaga not only usurped O-dog as the number one Forbes celebrity, but she also surpassed J.Ro on Twitter by almost ten million. Even Judas himself would find this injustice criminal.

Follow J.Ro at and let our bad romance continue.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Crash: The Sequel

Yesterday I performed the ritual every American partakes of on Sunday, shopping.

But my jaunt to the Beverly Center took a dramatic turn when a black girl approached me at H&M and uttered those four words every white man dreads "do you work here?" Just because I'm pasty and have a quasi-Jewel tooth doesn't mean I unlock dressing rooms.

Later that day, while waiting tables, a couple from England showed me a photo from their visit to Madame Tussauds . The husband thought this wax figure was Morgan Freeman, the wife thought it was Cuba Gooding Jr.

I had to be the one to tell them it was Oprah's longtime boyfriend, Stedman Graham.

Whether they were being racist or just British is hard to say, but their ignorance combined with my "Oprah Hermes" moment at H&M made me realize our Obamanation still has a long way to go.

J.Ro's Reasons Why Not

As all you Romaniacs know, I've been online dating via Okcupid.
Why haven't I found the one, you ask?

If you're smiling, even when nervous, the first thing people notice about you is your medication.

You could be a camp counselor or go-go dancer. Please expound (and hopefully confess the latter).

If your eyes were this magnetic, you wouldn't be online.

"Fun. Success. Love. Adventure. Happiness." I want the same exact things, but I can't date somebody this profound.

Stick to reality, and stay away from my profile.

LA Sports

In 2005, the Kitson Boutique on Robertson Blvd. made headlines with Team Aniston and Team Jolie t-shirts, selling for ninety dollars a pop.

Now, Kitson is hoping to make money off infidelity once more with Team Maria.

These shirts don't even make sense:
a. Bodybuilding is not a team sport.
b. Nobody with any class would buy a Team Arnold shirt.

...Then again, if it read Team Terminator I might be able to find an extra ninety lying about.

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Rug Has Been Pulled

As if the ending of The Oprah Winfrey Show wasn't enough to make me change medication. Now In Touch magazine has called an end to their Style Slip-Ups section. As a resident funny fashion expert, this marks the conclusion of any faux-celebritidome I've achieved.

But whenever God takes away candy, he offers a Diabetes shot. The final Style Slip Ups, running in next week's issue, will pay exclusive homage to vintage Oprah (pre-stylist).

Oprah is moving to higher ground, and I believe I will run on with her.

The Buzz is Bad

Google's social networking sight, Buzz, is officially a bigger failure than Scream 4.

If only Ashton would promote it on Twitter.

My advice Google, hire a celebrity* and eventually said celebrity will share something stupid, which will outage Elisabeth on The View, and the Buzz will be on.

(*preferably not Neve Campbell)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Wild Cards Of Comedy

Bridesmaids may be brilliant, but can we stop using the phrase "The Wild Card" as a way of saying "The Fat One?"

For this card, when played in sequence:

Makes us cry.

Makes us laugh.

Makes us shower.

And makes us Mambo.

The appropriate title for "The Wild Card" is "The Protagonist." We watch and root for them, partly because they're fat, but more importantly, because they're funny.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Mad Hatter

If another princess wore this hat to my wedding, I'd set up a cash bar in her honor.

To make matters worse, Beatrice is trying to auction the hat for charity like it's one of Diana's ball gown.

Friday, May 13, 2011

1/2 Men Are Hard To Find

Ashton Tweet-A-Lot is officially replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. At first the mathematics behind this decision didn't add up, but now that Angus T. Jones is seventeen, I guess he can convincingly play a full man.

Where Are The Drums?

Has anyone seen or heard from the Energizer Bunny lately? Did he retire and not tell anybody?

I haven't seen an artist escape this quickly since Debra Winger.

Mr. Malibu

It was announced today Matthew Perry is heading back to rehab. After suffering a whole season of Mr. Sunshine and years of Matt LeBlanc's acting, he's earned these twenty eight days of peace at Promises.

Can't blame an actor for cashing in his PTO.

Yoga Mates

Yesterday, during the meditative finale of yoga, I achieved zen by obsessing over my singlehood.

I realized yoga class makes for the perfect first date. Within three downward dogs you'll know how this person sounds (and smells) during intercourse.

If this excites you, the pheromones are in place; if this revolts you, finish with Namaste and be on your way.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Pop Your Kool-Aid

Last week was ninety degrees in Los Angeles, so I treated myself to a Kool-Aid Jammer, my first Capri Sun-like drink in sixteen years.

As I fondled the Jammer, I found myself riddled with fear. Memories of not knowing how to get the straw in the hole consumed my mind. I applied pressure, took a breath, and popped it with confidence, no leakage. In this moment of phallic victory, I realized how far I've progressed as a man.

Casanova alert.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Style Slip-Ups

Stay abreast of Bradley, Angie, Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh, and J.Ro in the current In Touch rag.

This week, J.Ro takes on the fashion missteps of Ashton Tweet-a-Lot and Amber Teen Mom Portwood.

The Scent of a Douche

The pour homme ads in this month's Vanity Fair gave me a headache. Like Paula Cole, I wonder Where Have All The Cowboys Gone, who don't peddle over the counter cologne?

No on the nipple unless in Malibu, Mr. McConnaughy.

Refrain from frolicking unless on General Hospital, Mr. Franco.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

No Money for Mickey

In 2007 my friend was Peter Pan on a Disney Cruise, so I got to attend a voyage for free.

Since then Disney has sent me paraphernalia regarding their five star getaways, all of which cost more per couple than my total yearly rent.

These pamphlets flatter me. I've successfully sold a false image of myself to a company that prides itself on it's own false image. If I can play Disney a fool, what other conglomerates can I hoodwink?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Better Than Any Prescription

Being under thirty and needing insoles should be shameful, but my new Dr. Scholl's got me feeling so good, I can only do the happy dance. If I were a C-list celebrity, I'd gladly be their spokesman.