Friday, April 29, 2011

I'm Out Of Town

The Taylors are downtown. The Watsons are uptown. Not since The Jeffersons has class distinction been explored with such nuance.

But watching Bassett go B.A.P B*tch (a la What's Love Got To Do With It, Waiting to Exhale, How Stella Got Her Groove Back) is worth trading Roscoe's chicken and waffles for six dollar popcorn.

I Now Pronounce A Slow News Week

Will and Kate's wedding proved blessed by royalty, the Beckhams, and no 'real' news to muddle the joy. Disasters such as Japan, Libya, & Donald Trump didn't get in the way of their special day. (Yes, the death count is over 300 in Alabama, but that is not Meredith Viera worthy.)

From the festivities we learned the Prince's hairline is suffering more than originally presumed, and Catherine Middleton does in fact speak.

I think I applaud the Alexander McQueen gown, but must wait to see if Elisabeth Hasselbeck concurs before I make a declarative endorsement.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

If Only I Were 16 and Pregnant

Today I discovered Mtv Teen Mom Amber Portwood reported earnings of $280,000 during 2010; luckily I'm too poor to buy a gun at Wal*Mart.

Catch J.Ro mocking Amber and other "celebrities" who make lots of money from their irresponsible decisions every week in In Touch magazine.

Celebrate Good Times At What Time?

Thanks to Will and Waity Katy, I've had to do more math than the past decade combined to figure out when this wedding will take place pacific coast standard.

While on the subject, I think it's cool William's confident enough to let his hair thin like a real man. Having said that, if Jeremy Piven can get hair plugs, shouldn't our beloved Prince receive the same advantage?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Trailer Envy

To cure the American cycle of envy and material jealousy, Hollywood A-list director Tom Shadyac appeared on Oprah yesterday to promote his new documentary, I AM, in which he moves out of a mansion and into a mobile home in search of happiness.

The problem? I'm jealous of his mobile home. It sits on a bluff in Paradise Cove, retails for 1.5 million, and neighbors Barbara Streisand's house.

Sorry Tom, but I AM still American with envy.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Nothing Funny about 4/20

Can we stop trying to make 4/20 funny already? The concept seemed lame even to my nascent comedic sensibilities back in 8th grade when first exposed to this lore.

(4/20 themed emails appeared beginning mid afternoon on the 19th)

If pot gets a holiday, ice cream deserves a government sanctioned three day weekend.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Hero of the Week = Adele

If you see me driving round town (not with the boy I love) singing and crying to myself, it's because Someone Like You is on repeat.

This 22 year old British girl proves more cathartic than therapy.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Trust We Enjoyed Your Absence

This weekend, even the parking structure at The Grove was empty as all Los Angeles trustafarians* crusaded to Palm Desert for Coachella. The roads were clear, the restaurants were quiet, the elliptical machines were available; I've never enjoyed not seeing Kanye West perform so much.

*Not that I don't have a trust fund, but with gas prices my grandfather's hard earned money would only get me as far as Redlands.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Keeping Up With The Joneses

On the way home from the gym today, I saw my homeless neighbor; he was stumbling in an alleyway off Robertson Boulevard, sans shirt. I thought to myself, I want his abs.

I've officially lived in Los Angeles too long.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Check Box for New Poster Girl

If you're a 30 year old mother who recently got arrested for public intoxication, should you be encouraging youth to vote?

Oh wait, this ad is actually in regards to an American Idol rip off show, carry on Christina.

Friday, April 15, 2011

HBD Not Okay With Me

To the person who posted this on my friend's wall.

If you're too busy to spell out 'Happy Birthday,' next year treat my friend with dignity and keep your truncations to yourself. If you decide to repeat this offense, please note the abbreviation should only be two letters.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Postcards From the Hot Tub

On Monday, Shirley MacLaine regaled Oprah with tales of celebrity, sex, and UFOs that hover above her Taos ranch hot tub.

If these are the side effects of acting alongside Meryl Streep, sign me up.

God of Carnage, Indeed

Last night I stood next to Tony Soprano in an elevator. We were ascending to the premiere party for his play, which for some reason he was allowed into and I was rejected from.

At first I felt honored, but by floor three my Method skills took hold, the elevator became the New Jersey Turnpike, and my name became Adriana.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Watch It!

Queen Kate has stumbled off her throne...

And into a high end watch advertisement. Kate Winslet, you are an Oscar winner, not 007.

This is a bigger misstep than The Holiday.

Monday, April 11, 2011


Thank you, Vanity Fair, for finally supplying your readers with something we can use. Robert Pattinson can't hold a bicep to this father of two.

Makes me wanna light candles and watch Wayne's World.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Call Me Rajah Of Cricket

When India beat neighbor Pakistan in the 2011 Word Cup of Cricket, I wrote my one Indian facebook friend to offer congrats.

I quickly became embroiled in a facebook messaging chain with half the population of Mumbai.

The good news, I learned a lot of Indian names. The bad news, somewhere in Pakistan I'm officially on a terrorists' hit list.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Bittersweet Beach

In 1990 my life changed when I saw the movie Beaches for the first time. I promised myself that one day I'd visit the Beaches beach house, and yesterday my dream came true.

Sort of.

Crystal Cove Conservation is busy restoring Barbara's death cottage.

The soundtrack in my head quickly switched from Wind Beneath My Wings to Baby Mine, Don't You Cry.