Monday, January 31, 2011

A Friend Doesn't Weigh Suitcases

Dear United Airlines,

No, I do not want to be friends with you on Facebook. And if forced to pick a buddy to fly frisbee with, I'd chose Virgin America over you. Thanks for giving me the whole can of apple juice, but it's gonna take more for me to click 'accept.'

Monday, January 24, 2011

Emma Who?

Today online news sources reported Emma Bunton is finally engaged.

I had to google Emma Bunton to find out who she is, and I consider myself a Spice Girls historian. I guess the right ring can make even Baby Spice taste fresh again.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Sock Triumph

For maybe the third time in my adult life, all my socks matched up after laundry yesterday. 2011 is turning out to be a year of huge success for me.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Global Tourist

Don't know about you, but I couldn't sleep last night.

I'm too anxious to see if The Tourist takes home best picture at tonight's Golden Globes.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Resolution Delusion

At my last stand up show, a girl in the audience claimed she made 20 New Year's resolutions. This is like having 20 protagonists in a film, it will probably turn out like Valentine's Day instead of Love Actually.

Thanks to this girl's delusions, I shortened my list.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Print The Pain

Next to hemorrhoids, is there anything more painful than setting up a new printer?

Not that I've ever had hemorrhoids.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Double Dosage

Dear Oz's

America welcomes only one famous Dr. per family. Why? If you two ever divorce, we the people will be forced to choose whose method of self help to keep in daily life, and whose to discard except during holidays and special occasions.

Placing us in this Sophie situation is thoroughly un-gurulike.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Rabbit Review

The new film Rabbit Hole has great acting but a far fetched plot.

Sure, if your child died, you might be upset...but never enough to refuse Aaron Eckhart sex for eight months.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Hero of the Week = Macaulay

Was I the last to know Macaulay Culkin dated MILA KUNIS...for like, seven years?

Obviously she broke it off and he is currently home alone sulking, but we must pay him credit for playing such an extraordinary game out of his league.

Resilience Requires Will


Stop trying to sell news that isn't news. Elizabeth Edwards not including John in her will, is not news. Remember her interview with Oprah? Elizabeth wouldn't utter Rielle's name, let alone leave her and the love child residuals from her best selling autobiographies.

Did I spell Rielle correctly?

Monday, January 3, 2011

So.Co Predictable

Yesterday, Sofia Coppola made me sit through another film she directed / wrote which contains little dialogue, action, or plot. Sadly this time, there was no Scarlett Johansson to assuage the pain.

Take me Somewhere else next time, So.Co.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Less is Morrison

In the January edition of DETAILS magazine, Matthew Morrison (Mr. Shue in Gleek Speak) admits he is annoyed by people focusing on his sex appeal instead of his raw talent.

After telling the reporter this, it seems he spent hours frolicking on a Malibu beach, with his shirt off, in front of a photographer.

Don't worry Matthew, your raw talent is written all over your oily abs.

Hello Full Body Scanner

After making it through airport security at LAX, I was disconcerted to find these items on sale next to Hudson News. Obviously, the new security measures are not successfully keeping weapons of mass destruction from entering our airport terminals.

Rebragable Bag

Now that it's 2011, can the recyclable grocery bag stop bragging about being a recyclable grocery bag? In 2006, you were avante garde enough to get away with this, now you're too main stream to tote accolades along with your eggs.

Happy New Year, Indeed!

On this, the first day of January, 2011, OWN launched with much fanfare and fervor. My remote doesn't go past channel 13, so I missed this historic event.

I might have to break down and become the worst cliche of all...a starving artist who has cable.