Sunday, October 31, 2010

Moscow Mates

As if the parallels between Oprah and I weren't already glaring, I found out Friday we share a favorite drink,the Moscow Mule!

Oprah served 'em up to the camp ground neighbors on Part 1 of her and Gayle's Yosemite camping trip. Only three ingredients were missing: Travolta, a Kangaroo, and J.Ro!

Hope Diddy didn't catch her using that Grey Goose.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Halloweek


In Los Angeles, your birthday lasts a month and Halloween now apparently lasts a week.

10% of Angelenos have been in costume since Wednesday, 20% have dressed normal, and the other 70% may or may not be trick or treating with their fashion...but one thing's for certain, a Snickers they do not deserve.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Positive Identification

As they say, when God gives you kidney stones you may also pass a diamond.

Such is the case with my I.D. photo debacle. After taking another dismal California State Driver's License picture, I was given one last chance to redeem my image...My UCLA Bruins card.


At last I look cool, confident, and Nate Berkus-like...which will hopefully make up for how cheap I'll seem when I flash it for student discounts.

Pathetic Poster Boy


The bad thing about being gay is you receive birthday cards such as these, usually reserved for post-menopausal women.

These cards stir pity inside my soul. If I owned abs, I would be the lead, or Courtney's boy toy on Cougar Town, or at the very least a walk on role in a telenovela. I would not let my crunches accumulate to posing in an unbottoned orange silk short sleeve dress shirt for $200 dollars.

His whole situation is too sad to be sexy. Don't even get me started on his whitewashed jeans.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Hero of the Week = Diddy



This past Saturday, the Romaine family threw some elbows to get bottle service at the straight, sleezy, spendy club Pure, at Caesar's Palace. My Docto-brother gladly forked over 600 dollars because P.Diddy was promised to make an appearance, and that bad boy was worth every benjamin.

He sang every diddy he sampled, Biggie sampled, and Mase sampled. We partied like it was 1999. As Diddy made it rain, I found myself holding a crisp $1 bill, wearing Kanye-style striped sunglasses, and feeling sixteen all over again.

In that moment of bliss, Diddy himself forgot he was 41 years old and the father of five illegitimate children. For it was 2am and he was screaming 'All you Grey Goose mothafuc8ers, need to drink da Ciroc!'
As he sprayed room temperature vodka over the crowd, I felt proud he removed the title 'daddy' from his name.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Who Raised This Vegan?


Confession: I own the 1993 film, The Crush (I got it at Wal*Mart for 3.99!)

In the movie, 13 year old Alicia Silverstone impregnates herself through the contents of Cary Elwes' used condom. What parent would let their 13 year old see this film, let alone star in it?

There is no excuse, unless they were Princess Bride fanatics...in which case I grant a pardon.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Oustralia


To lick the Bondi Beach sea salt off my Oprah Ultimate Viewer wounds, I've applied to tourism Australia's nothinglikeaustralia contest! Each contestant posts a personal pic and quote, the winner receives a $10,000 Oz-venture.

Above is my submission; I decided to post a picture of the Opera House at sunrise, what other contestant has ever captured an image so inventive? I'm gonna pet a Koala, O-dog...with or without Harpo!

A Bad Idea, from Top to Bottom


I joined MeetUp.com to meet my future husband, sure I like chick flicks and pink, but I can't tell my grandkids we met at a blind Bottoms event.

Consider this my 'Not Attending' RSVP. Though I will forward the invite to my on-again/off-again cuddle bear, 50 Cent.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

No One Asked for Your 50 Cent!

After four teen suicides, 50 Cent tweeted:

“If you a man and your over 25 and you don’t eat pu**y just kill your self damn it. The world will be a better place. Lol.”


If he can guarantee God doesn't have the song Candy Shop on her itune heaven mix, I might consider his proposal.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Hero of the Week = Levi


Today Levi Johnston appeared on The View to talk about his candidacy for Mayor of Wasilla!

Whoopi: What is your platform?
Levi: Nothing.

This is the type of honesty politics has been missing; Levi has my Playgirl vote!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

My Red Lobster Card

After last month's post titled Legally Attractive, many Romaniacs have asked if I succeeded in obtaining a studly license picture.

To insure my success, I partook in a lil' sunbathing pre-shoot. But I forgot California license cameras come with some sort of tanning mechanism, so people who shoot in late February look fantastic, but in early September...

...people look fresh out of a chemical peel. My identity has been lobstered, and I must carry this face o crimson shame for the next five years.

Friday, October 15, 2010

October 14th O-Dog

Yesterday Oprah interviewed a Mormon family consisting of a husband and his four wives.


I'm all for polygamy, but if you go on Oprah to talk about the salacious details, pop by the gym first...or at least visit Supercuts.

Next Time, Just Call Me J.Ro

As if spending 450 dollars on a flight to Pittsburgh for the holidays wasn't sad enough, when Orbitz forgot to send me a confirmation I was forced to call east, where 'Steve' from Bangalore repeatedly answered my concerns with Ma'am.


Trust me Steve, if I was a woman of refinement, I wouldn't be flying coach on Continental.

Not as Easy as Spelling Bee


Today I received this photo and wrote a joke based on Katy Perry's dreadful fashion sense. When I went to spell check, mysteriously the word zeebra was highlighted. I've been misspelling zebra zeebra.

If I was in a first grade, this would be acceptably sad. But I've been in this zoo too long to not know my stripes.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Two Blondes is Better Than One


This week my girl Glee crush, Quinn, cheated on me with my boy Glee crush, the new guy. I've never enjoyed having my heart stomped on so much...let's hope this time she uses protection!

His lips put Angelina to shame.

October 13th O-dog

Winfrey is stayin' alive in Season 25. Yesterday's show, titled 'Are You Normal?,' had the audience answering intimate questions and O-dog making dramatic proclamations.

"Everybody looks at their poop!"
-Oprah

"The next question is who has ever faked it, it should be who hasn't faked it!" - Oprah

If she keeps this up, she might dethrone Gayle from Hero of the Week!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Hero of the Week = Gayle



"Gayle says it's a standard for dating. If you go on a date with a guy and he says I think he's innocent...see you later."
- O-dog to Mark Fuhrman

Gayle only drinks Grapefruit, one more reason to heart her.

Monday, October 11, 2010

One Fuhrm Hairline

On today's Oprah, our girl interviews former LAPD detective Mark Fuhrman, and I must say I'm blown away...by his steady hairline.

He should get a Rogaine infomercial.

Talkin' Smack


To celebrate my 200th 'Emancipation' Blog post, I decided to awake early and take in the splendor of Runyon Canyon.

My favorite thing about Runyon is eavesdropping on the straight girls who flock up the hill in therapeutic duos.

Here is an excerpt from a conversation captured today at 7:55am:

Spandex 1 "The good thing is, Coke wears off pretty fast."
Spandex 2 nods her head in utter agreement

I wonder what they discuss at happy hour?

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Peter, Can You Hear Me?


Yesterday, I wore my Merrell sneakers and they pinched my arch. This may be because I've worn the shoes since 2003*, in fact, on Halloween we will celebrate our 7th anniversary.

Yes, I'm using 'we' in regards to an anniversary...with a pair of trainers! I need to throw them away but everytime I look into their soles my heart refuses to act.

I need Peter Walsh here to untie the laces around my heart and step me towards the trash can!

(*these are the only shoes I've ever taken to the cobbler.)

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Hero of the Week = Martha Stewart


Yesterday Martha made her first appearance on the Oprah Show in years. When Martha RSVPs to a party, she always arrives with a verbal jar of homemade honey.

(on being in West Virginia Prison)
"I'm stronger than I realized; I can survive without lemons."

"I had great visitors. Rosie O'Donnell visited me. I know you were too busy, Oprah."

"I had the best time; I made a whole nativity scene."

"That place was sparkling when I left."



O-dog: "Do you feel that you let yourself and other people down?"
Martha: "No. Because I didn't!" ...and she didn't again.

Second, Only to See's Candy

You know you've lived in California too long when you purchase a "snack" which contains the word Seaweed in it's title.

You know you've lived in Hollywood too long when you convince yourself this snack is fulfilling.

A real snack should weigh more than the packaging it comes in.

A City Without Windshield Wipers

The best thing about L.A. is when it rains, the five o'clock news leads with it as if it's breaking news.

(view from my apartment yesterday)
The only thing I see slightly newsworthy about this picture is the bomb this man may or may not be planting on my dry cleaner's roof.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Ultimate Evidence

Since posting Look Who's Talking Now, I've received many requests from my Romaniacs to splay the O-dog ornaments. Martha Stewart (today's guest on Oprah) herself would dangle these bulbs proudly on her tree in the great room of her estate in Maine.

Exhibit A (O-dog)

Exhibit B (The #1 G.)

Exhibit C (Berky)

Exhibit D (Sophie)


Oprah may deny me a ticket to Australia, but I will not deny you my ultimate viewer evidence.

Pamela Pollock


J.Ro takes on the Style Slip Ups of Pammy Anderson, Tori Spelling, and another blonde chick you nor I've ever heard of on page 74 of this week's In Touch (Glee cover)

P.S. I big time heart Quinn.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Look Who's Talking Now


It's been almost a month since the farewell season premiere of O-dog, and I've stayed mum...until today.

I cannot and will not accept my not being in the audience on September 13, 2010 when John Travolta scooted out on a make shift Quantas jet as Oprah announced she was taking the audience (consisting of her ultimate viewers) to Australia...with her and Johnie T!

I sent in a flowery and fervent application to the Harpo squad in which I regaled them with my love for Oprah, Gayle, Nathaniel Berkus, Dr. Oz-Phil, ect. I told how I used 'The Secret' to raise 6,000 dollars for my APLA AIDS marathon, I even bragged about my homemade Oprah Christmas tree ornaments. How could she not want to spend ten days eating vegemite with me?

O-dog, as you read this, know I am not blaming you...but someone in the Harpo compound is not doing a good job executing who, and who does not, make the cut when it comes to the phrase ultimate viewer.

I will not take this lying down under.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Ladies Night


On Friday I experienced my first 'lesbian night' at a local gay bar. At first I was excited because for once I was one of the taller patrons in a crowded club. But then strange things ensued.

I started to get 'come hither' looks from girls who thought I was a girl, I started to give 'come hither' looks to girls I thought weren't girls. Then the fembot DJ screamed on the mic, Everyone Is Getting P***Y Tonight; I knew it was time for me to pack it up and put on my pj's.


I did see four girls who looked like Da Brat and one girl who looked like Precious, so the night wasn't a complete bust.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Don't Be That Person


Facebooking about the Facebook movie is like wearing the band's t-shirt to the concert.

Plus if Marky Mark reads anything unflattering, he might delete your account...or donate another 100 million dollars to a charity he could care less about.

Off to promote this post on my wall!

Dive Into The Blueprint


Straight people ask the silliest questions. The silliest being this: are gay people born gay?

Pondering this is irrational on many levels:

1. Science is not equipped to offer an answer.
2. The question is built on the premise that a gay person must be born knowing the Single Ladies dance in order to be accepted as part of God's blueprint. Gay people exist; this on it's own proves it is part of God's design.

Was I born gay? Don't know and don't care. I do know that at six years old I stood on the diving board for the first time, paralyzed. Kids freezing behind me in a queue screamed jump! Finally, from across the pool my mom promised that if I dived in the water she would buy me the My Little Ponie playhouse; within a moment I was baptized.