Thursday, September 30, 2010

We Need A New Word for Underdog

"An owner no one respected. A trainer past his prime. A horse no one believed in. A movie title too lame to pronounce."

If Disney thinks this horse is an underdog, wait til their movie attempts to race at the box office.

Positively Not

Yesterday I received this Meet Up email inviting all HIV Positive gay people who live in the O.C. to get together for some drinks. Okay, someone is spreading vicious rumors about me; I do not live in the O.C.!

Also, for any potential suitors out there, rest assure with my recent rendezvous, it would take an act of Oprah for me to have a cold sore, let alone HIV.

If You Don't Know Me By Now...(part 3)

Once more, my boyfriend Amazon has guessed my movie taste with haste. After I rebuffed his recommendation for The Blind Side, he throws another Sandy pie in my face.

Amazon, propose something else before I dump you for a man named Congo.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

6 Years Wiser

I recently celebrated my sixth anniversary with the city of Los Angeles.

In that time my goals have shifted, when I first moved to L.A. I wanted to land a role on a sitcom, soak up the sun, and get a few Vanity Fair covers under my belt.

Now I want an apartment with a bedroom, laundry that doesn't require quarters, and parking that isn't subject to Monday street sweeping restrictions.

I'll get there, someday.

Monday, September 27, 2010

This Ain't No Crystal Light

This weekend I dined at another one word L.A. eatery titled Lemonade, known for their lemon mixology (blueberry, cucumber mint, acai, ect.).

The girl in front of me actually asked, Does the lemonade contain sugar?

I wanted to assume the role of salesman and tell her lemonade will contain no sugar the day your brain contains no this case, maybe she had the right to enquire.

The Air Conditioned Throne

Today I stopped by the bank and the teller had the nerve to complain to me about the heat. You are in a 70 degree bubble, I'm the one biking my ass to your air conditioned throne. I'd give anything today to have a job where you don't move and have bullet-proof glass heat protection.

Friday, September 24, 2010


If you want to receive passionate communication from the women in your life, post what you consider flattering photos of them on Facebook.

One girlfriend made me remove pictures of her because what she was wearing was too're the one who bought it.

Another forced me to remove a photo because it showcased her embarrassing book collection behind our faces. It's not my fault you read Why Men Love Bitches and forgot to hide the evidence.

If you're this worried about being outted for the terrible literature you consume, buy a Kindle.

Hottie with no Hobbies

Confession - I have a crush on a personal trainer at my local 24 Hour.

He's never trained me and I've never actually spoke to him, which enables me to build quite a fantasy regarding the man behind the red sweat resistant v neck.

Last week I read his Bio on the Get to Know Your Trainer board. Under hobbies he listed: Beach. Working Out. Acting. Why didn't he list 'watching Oprah,' doesn't he realize he has a fantasy to fulfill? His hobbies successfully turned my stalking into a snoozefest.

Second Customer In!

Going to Target at 8am is a religious experience. The aisles are clean. There are no children running around. There are no Jewish mom's screaming into blackberries. But there is still the pasty thirty year old man in jean shorts playing video games on the free sample machine in Electronics.

Someone is taking full advantage of Obama's 18 month unemployment extension.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Suze's Lullaby

Many people complain about young, boisterous neighbors. This is nothing compared to living next to a retirement home.

Sure, all is quiet at Carmel Assisted Living when everyone's tucked in the commissary for bingo hour, but afterwards these hooligans remove hearing aids, jack up the volume on channel three, and pass out.

At 2AM I toss and turn to Suze Orman screaming, 'The money you spend must match the money you earn!' Though I now have bags under my eyes, I have no debt to lose sleep over.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Just Be Nice!

Sometimes I get jealous of wine. All that is expected of a bottle of wine is to be nice. In fact, it's vulgar to refer to a nice bottle of wine with any adjective other than nice.

If a person's described as nice, there's a backhanded subtext to the compliment which translates to ...yet lacking. Humans must also be smart, sexy, bold, daring, or acerbic - comedic with a shrewd bite. This extra effort can feel thoroughly exhausting.

Life would be so much easier if my surname was Chianti.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Big Gay Kindle Cult

As a guy who likes to read and sniff books, I'm obviously single. I joined recently to branch out the limbs of my Sycamore to encompass some new leafs, but per the Meetup evite below, no one wants a book sniffer.

Only eReaders! No Print Books?

Pride is still Pride and Prejudice is still Prejudice regardless of how one reads his literature. Do I really need an iPad to eat Brie, feign interest in Dickens, and pontificate about gay subtext? This elitist injustice is enough to make me fantasize about Little Women.

Shoulda Left My Phone At Home, Cuz This Is a Disaster

Ever since I upgraded to a Blackberry, Sprint thinks we're in a serious committed relationship. He doesn't get the point I'm using him for free mobile to mobile minutes.

Candace Bergen was never this clingy.

Trader Hoe's

Trader Joe's is a lot like a strip club, you never know if the employees are genuinely enamored by you or just good at their jobs.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Hero of the Week = Alexa Chung?

I've never heard of her before either, but it's always this ilk of 'celebrity' who makes my job the easiest.

Check out J.Ro and Alexa on page 74-75 of this week's In Touch, the one with the dreadful NJ Housewife on the cover!

In Heat Over a Tweet

Australian Olympic swimmer Stephanie Rice is in a hot sauna after tweeting 'Suck on that fa**ots" in response to Australia beating South Africa in a recent rugby match. Jaguar dumped her as their spokes-hottie and took away her complimentary sports coupe.

This confused me because she's a female swimmer, and I believe lesbians may appropriate the f-word as they deem fit.

A Flight to Forget

Dear American Airlines,

If my flight turns into a 'lifetime memory' you have done something very wrong. I want my time with you to be as forgettable as possible.

Eagles 4ever,


P.S. no one wants to watch The Last Airbender, promptly remove it from your in-flight entertainment listing.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Pests of Buda

This month, one hundred straight people took to the streets of Budapest and marched in the first annual Heterosexual Pride Parade. Participants, who followed the same route as the gays, said they 'want the city to ban gay pride parades.'

This is officially the gayest protest I've ever heard of.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Birthday Blessing

As if turning 29 wasn't debilitating enough, the flight attendants on my American Airlines flight to Chicago sequestered me by the toilets to tell me I look just like...Clay Aiken.

Luckily, one stewardess disagreed and exclaimed, "No, he looks like that little Haley Joel from The Sixth Sense."

29 or not, I guess I still fly on my pre-pubescent looks!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Let's Cut the Cake

Today I organized a mass mailing to agents around Los Angeles.

Doing a mail out to agents is like inviting 120 people to your wedding, praying a select few RSVP, and that one guest actually shows up and dances The Cha Cha Slide alongside you.

MTV's Sweet Tweet

A little fairy tells me our big gay secret is about to dance outta the closet.

Tomorrow night, Robyn will perform Dancing on My Own at the VMAs, sure to catapult her back to Show Me Love status in the States.

Can't wait to see how Perez tries to claim credit for 'discovering' this one.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Hero of the Week = Linds.Lo

In the new Vanity Fair our girl looks like the Grace we cherish, yet reads like the Lindsay we love.

With her SCRAM bracelet hidden under UGG boots, she delivers some zingers:

"I know I'm a damn good actress."
(Calm down, Joan Crawford)

"I want the respect I had when I was doing great movies."
(Is she referring to Herbie: Fully Unloaded or Freaky Friday?)

"These were my college years...I was doing things that people do 10 times more of when they're in college."
(I can't even count the times in school I did cocaine then chased my ex-assistant's mother on the 405 freeway.)

"The things that girls must do...:/ if you only knew."
(as tweeted by Lindsay)

"Stars, all we ask for is the right to twinkle." - Marilyn Monroe
(delivered via the tattoo on Lindsay's left arm.)

...And twinkle she does!

Jumpin' Jack Jeans

An open letter to the gay patrons of 24 Hour Fitness, West Hollywood.

Stop wearing Lucky Brand jeans to work out, the whole point of going to the gym is to get lucky in the locker room. No more Newsie hats either (this rule should extend beyond the weight room to encompass all 24 hours of your daily life).

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Best Buy Bonanza!

Yesterday I got my Best Buy on and graduated into 2007 with a new Blackberry and Digital Elph Camera.

(*photo taken by new Elph!)

Stressed about the money this cost, I hands-freed my way over to Magnolia Bakery and purchased a $4.25 piece of cake to calm the nerves.

It was worth it, upgrading from a Samsung flip phone to a Blackberry is awe-inspiring. I presume it's akin to how straight guys feel who go directly from Cheetahs Myrtle Beach to Cheetahs Vegas without ever making a pit stop in Orlando.

Monday the 13th!

The time has come; the final season of Oprah kicks off in less than 4 days time!

Ironically, I will be en route to Chicago during this monumental moment of American History. This wouldn't seem so tragic if I wasn't the last middle class man in this country without Tivo!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Girl Gone Wild

Being gay is a lot like being a married straight guy, suddenly all the California Gurls want a piece.

Check out J.Ro in Katy Perry's new Teenage Dream music video.

Con Me, Please.

In the new issue of Vanity Fair, I received a promotional pilot DVD for Lone Star, the new show about a Texas bred con artist.

After watching the pilot, I must admit the lead actor's so hot he almost conned me into believing this show is worth my time.

Bye, Bye, Beavers!

This past weekend, the Portland Beaver's played their last game of baseball. The franchise is closing, and their pasty white fans cried, cheered, and collected commemorative dirt off the field.

Upon hearing about this uproar, I felt these fervent fans should stop whining and pour their enthusiasm into the local basketball team. Then I remembered, black people cannot obtain Visas into Oregon. So really, this marks the end of sports in the Pacific Northwest.

Best get online and buy some of that dirt.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Face on the Book, Head on the Sofa

There are many codes to decipher when examining another's Facebook page.

I recently realized the number of profile pictures in one's arsenal is directly correlated to the number of therapy sessions that person has attended.

(Back when I was in Filene's Basement, I sofa-ed eight times until I realized I'd spent enough money to buy a roundtrip ticket to Australia, which would have supplied a level of tranquility beyond the realm of understanding my sexual identity.)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

If You Don't Know Me By Now...(part 2)

Amazon, stop trying to persuade me to purchase The Blind Side. No offense to Sandy, but the only film of her's worth DVD ownership is The Net. To add insult to annoyance, you're asking price is $20.99?

Don't make me break up with you.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Vote No on Prop Zoe

When Target was caught giving 150,000 to a Minnesota Republican Candidate who apposes gay marriage, the CEO was quick to retort, "Target's support for the LGBT community is unwavering!"

After my experience at the Bullseye today, I believe him. In electronics I discovered The Rachel Zoe Project Season 1 for $29.99. This DVD clearly caters to only one type of clientele.

Ironically, the LGBT demand for such a grotesque artifact got me thinking...maybe we shouldn't receive our civil rights just yet.