Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Legally Attractive

I've changed outfits three times and keep adding pomade to my hair. I'm gearing up for a date with the DMV. Getting a new license is like school picture day, except this picture defines you for four years or longer, if no change of address is necessary.

My latest passport photo left me looking like a white boy lost in Rwanda. So today is crucial in determining the self esteem of my legal identity.

The next time I get pulled over, may the cop mistake me for Nate Berkus instead of Clay Aiken.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Situation or State of Emergency?

This look is so loud, he can't hear the buzzer on his fifteen minutes.

Catch Angie, JA...and J.Ro (Style Slip Ups, pg. 75) in this week's In Touch.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Smitten with this Kitten

The following statement might get my travel Visa revoked from Japan; I don't like Hello Kitty. Her speech is heavily slurred, her thoughts are somewhat vapid...plus I'm allergic.

My prejudice evaporated last Friday when Hello Kitty made a cameo at my job to wish Happy Birthday to a thirty year old restaurant patron. Kitty was taller than I expected, and her eyesight is very bad; I had to escort her to the table by hand.

Full of affable giggles, I still could barely make out her words, but her presence was undeniably endearing. She left this one time naysayer searching for a reason to buy a lunchbox.

Meow indeed.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I Tweet You Not!

Earlier today, Spencer Pratt tweeted:

"John Lennon had a guitar. Picasso had a paintbrush. And I have a sex tape."

Like everyone else, I was stunned. Spencer Pratt knows who Picasso is? Maybe these reality stars really do deserve their role model status.

Who needs Barcelona when you have the Hills?

You Can't Trace This!

Where as Madge n Gwenny pay thousands for Tracy...

I pay nothing for Larry, a sixty five year old stranger / uncertified trainer who approached me last week at the 24Hour while I was on the bicep cybex machine.

Dressed in matching shades of Elmo red sweat shorts and tank top, he was quick to inform me of my improper form. He followed me around (for free!) and showed me the right way to use all the cybex equipment.

I've never enjoyed the burn as much as I do now, thanks Larry!

"It's not about how much weight you use, it's about how you use the weight."
- Larry

(*I have yet to garner a picture of Lawrence and I, though I guarantee one is sure to surface sometime in the near future.)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Hero of the Week = Steven Slater

The tubby JetBlue flight attendant was arrested on August 9th after he quit his job by sliding down the emergency exit chute at JFK. Passengers claim he had simply seen one carry on bag too many.

Though facing charges of trespassing, criminal mischief and reckless endangerment, Slater also gained 200,000 facebook friends and industry buzz regarding a reality show...it better be titled Ready for Take Off?

It's nice to see a bitchy Big Gay get ahead; his facebook friend count is now officially 200,001.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Not So Neighborly

In this week's In Touch J.Ro takes down ex-neighbor Kim Kardashian in the Fashion Slip Ups section.

Kim used to live two blocks away on Clark St. (I know this not because we Starbucked together but because I partook in a Star Homes Tour; it was a low point.)

Sorry Kimmy, but it's not my fault you sauntered across La Cienega to shop at the Beverly Connection.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Indecent Proposal

I must stop bragging about how much money I make at my new restaurant job.

Now I have Robert Redford emailing me. For a man of his stature, you think he'd be better at flirting and just ask me out. But instead he uses cryptic phrases like please join me, and rambles about Barbara Boxer and the environment as if I don't know he's politically astute enough to be considered 'in my league.' In the last email he asked for a donation...so not sugar daddy sweet.

I have yet to reply to his advances, but his chances look bleak.

1) Him and I look too much alike.
2) He has the same name as my brother.
3) He's obviously a gold digger.

The Sun could have danced on us, if only he chose a different approach.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Recess Is Over

To all my adorable Angelinos who are still collecting unemployment, the recession is officially over. Need proof? The Ivy has hired a tubby valet guy.*

Places are obviously desperate, not for business, but for pretty employees. Stop living off my tax dollars and start living off your looks...isn't that why you moved here in the first place?

*(not the valet featured in photo)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Wicked Workout

Just when you think West Hollywood can't get any gayer, he ups his own ante.

While cybexing at the 24 Hour on Santa Monica, the gym stereo switched from the usual Miley Party in the U.S.A fair to a techno dance version of Defying Gravity.

Never did I dream a woman named Idina would get my heart racing so fast, but I can definitely say I've been changed for the better and changed for good.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

J.Ro vs. J.Ro (part 2)

Eat Pray Roberts

Eat Pray Romaine

Even Elizabeth Gilbert would agree I scoop my gelato with more fervor and less hesitation.

MADD Money

On Sunday I drove cross town after having two mimosas.

On Monday I received a packet from MADD (Mother's Against Drunk Driving), which turned out to be somewhat of a swag bag; they gave me a nickel and 40 cute address stickers.

Part of me felt terribly guilty, the other part wondered if three mimosas would have secured me a quarter and a coupon to Burke Williams?

One Big Statement

I awoke this morning feeling pretty sexy about myself, then I read this email.

"How could I forget my favorite Big Gay?"

Before reading this I was channeling Ricky Martin, but I guess I'm more the large homo-husband on Modern Family.

Good News = She wants to put my big gay ass on stage in NYC.
Bad News = I'm now officially training for the NYC Marathon.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Calm Down, Katie Kidman

In this week's New York magazine Katie Holmes gushes 'I'm still starstruck by Tom Cruise.'

Many find this hard to believe. Why, just because they're married? He's still a boy who knows Oprah and she's still a girl who knows Dawson. You can take the girl out of the Creek, but you can't take the Creek out of the girl.

Follow this Breaking News:

Happy Birthday Angst

Thanks to the Big FB, wishing someone Happy Birthday has become a daily chore for anyone who was moderately acceptable in high school.

What's offensive is when it reminds you about one of your best friend's birthdays. As if you would forget? Today we celebrate the birth of comedian Mary Patterson Broome! I always say if you chuckle at J.Ro, you may or may not chuckle at Mary Patterson. Visit www.uppermiddleclassangst.com to find out!

(J.Ro and MaryPattersonIsMyFirstName circa yesterday)

And of course, wish her happy b-day on facebook!

Rockin' Robyn

To the skateboarder I almost gunned down in my 1998 Sebring convertible this weekend,

Blame Robyn; I was under the influence of track number 3, Dancing On My Own. One should not operate anything but his own body while digesting her infectious beats.

If only Robyn were a man.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Revoke His Membership

One of my favorite print ads is the American Express campaign which features interviews from myriad celebrity AmEx holders; past adverts have included Winslet, DeNiro, Fey, & Degeneres. The new poster boy is Yvon Chouinard, founder of Patagonia.

In his questionnaire he brags about giving '1% of sales to environmental causes.' One percent doesn't even cover the paper this two page ad consumes. Winslet, DeNiro, Fey, & DeGeneres don't give 1% to anything, that's why they're AmEx worthy.

This guy is 1% green, 99% sweatshop fleece.

Hero of the Week = Jerry Seinfeld

10 points - Last month Jerry had the audacity to call our Lady Gaga a jerk after her Yankee game antics.

90 points - In Jeff Garlin's new memoir My Footprint, which chronicles his battle to lose weight and lead a green life, Garlin claims Jerry asked him, 'If you could eat anything, what would it be?' Garlin replied, 'A Cheeseburger, Fries, and Milkshake.'

Later that day, Jerry invited Garlin to Jerry's Famous Deli on Ventura and proceeded to order a Bacon Cheeseburger, two orders of fries, and a shake. Garlin ordered a salad.

Total Score = 100 points

I usually don't enjoy people playing God, but Jerry seems to be master of this domain.

Friday, August 13, 2010

IQ Text

Today I received my third text from the number 41933, they want to test my IQ for a membership of $9.99 per month.

If one signs up for this service, his IQ score has already been calculated.

Homework Never Stops

The hard thing about being a middle class white American, is you can only afford the 'one movie at a time' option on Netflix. So when I get a movie, I treat it like an assignment that must be ASAP-ed.

When on top of my game, I receive the DVD at 1, watch it by 4, and get it in the 5 o'clock final post office pick up. The pride I feel on those days is pathetically paramount.

Documentary Lowpoint

You know your acting career is bad when you get on Craigslist to sell a used mattress for 40 dollars.

You know it's terrible when you almost check 'yes' to the proposal: 'ok to contact me about appearing in a Craigslist documentary series.'

If only I sold more exotic items on Craigslist, I could have been a contender. Or at least a situation.

(Re: the mattress. Full sized. Very comfortable. Willing to negotiate price)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Kathy = Cheesecake?

When I work out, I like to Cybex eavesdrop. Today I overheard two fifty year olds stressing over the future of American Idol. (Please may I one day make enough money to join Equinox.)

The guy claimed Kathy Griffin would make a great replacement for Simon, his female cohort retorted:

"I like Kathy Griffin, but she's like cheesecake; if you eat too much, you get sick."

Please, I once ate four pieces of The Factory's Adam's Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple and felt fantastic. There's no such thing as too much cheesecake, especially when Kathy's the compote.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

There Goes the Bullseye

I thought things hit rock bottom when this Creature stabbed countless customers at the West Hollywood Gateway Target a few months ago.

But that was only the tip of the blade, now they've re-organized the shelves. The electronics department is unrecognizable; It took me two minutes to figure out where the five dollar DVDs were.

Someone upstairs is testing my allegiance.

(Luckily no one died in the stabbings, I'm sure Target gave the victims gift card privileges large enough to heal any emotional trauma endured. The Creature pleaded not guilty.)

Save Your Receipts

Last night I had a dream in which actor Ed Begley Jr. remodeled my bathroom using recycled Target receipts to create an environmentally savvy sink.

I've officially lived in Los Angeles too long, and apparently require a Bullseye detox to boot.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Top 40 Might Tumble

The Beach Boys are suing Katy Perry because in her infectious diddy Snoop Dogg raps the phrase 'They wish they all could be California Gurls.'

First off, he said Gurls not Girls.

Secondly, it's called an homage.

And in closing, Beach Boys, if we sue every singer who samples pop hits of past decades, there would be no Top 40.

"Good Artists Borrow. Great Artists Steal."
-Pablo Picasso

Look Who's Outsourcing Now!

After using the non-word 'conversating' yesterday, I decided to get smart. I turned towards the east. Goodbye California Gurls, hello Planet India as I scoot about town.

This book on CD is teaching me the glories and follies of our eastward fellows. It parades on about the US dependence on Bangalore outsourcing and claims India does not require American movies nor American audiences when it comes to entertainment.

The book is written by Mira Kamdar, yet narrated by Shelly Frasier (Huh, sounds more New Hampshire than New Delhi).

Thursday, August 5, 2010

J.Ro's Quote of the Week

"I just feel like people in L.A. aren't smart enough for me. Last night I was out and nobody was conversating about Prop 8."

My diploma is officially in dispute.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Date Night

To the straight couples holding Prop 8 anti-gay marriage signs outside the San Francisco courthouse today, seek marriage counseling; date night should not involve foam board and sharpies.

P.S. don't use a restroom within ten miles of the courthouse; you never know what the gays have done in there.

Agnostic Narcissism

Dear Anne Rice,

Nobody cares about your Christianity or lack there of. The only thing we wish our celebrities to ruminate on is their sexual indiscretions (And in this case that is not necessarily welcomed either.) Congrats on being 30 years ahead on the whole Vampire thing though.

Please Accept My God Bless You,

Jason Romaine