Saturday, July 31, 2010

Watch Out Wonja

After six months of tennis lessons I was starting to feel very Roger Federer until a lady named Wonja joined our group; it's very emasculating to be beaten repeatedly by a 65 year old South Korean woman who suffers Arthritis.

This past week I regained R.Fed status when I took down an 18 year old Stanford freshmen, a little Asian girl who weighed 100. Not only could she not return my serves, but I snuck into the class without permission to boot. This Alpha playa edge puts Agessi's Wimbledon wigs to shame...just one back hand closer to my Adidas endorsement.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Spell It Unique

One of the best things about Los Angeles is people with common sounding names hold the artistic license to spell it with much bravado.

Right now I have a co-worker named Emyli and a friend named Kaight; they've inspired me to save enough money to legally change my spelling to Jsun. It sounds Japanese enough to be edgy and South Asian enough to be adoption worthy.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Even a renaissance man must take a break from his craft, so this week I retire to the whitest place on earth, Palo Alto. Between tennis, yoga, and wine tasting, I may or may not have time to post my ruminations. Til we meet again remember, it's not cool unless it's J.Crew.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Touchy Feely

Oprah recently conducted a conversation with convicted child molesters to find out the methods they use on their victims. The predators said they start out with small touches and then progress into inappropriate contact.

This disturbed me. Not only because it's gross, but because it's the same tactic I use on the hot straight guys I work with.

It's totally worth the $2.99

Being a celebrity is hard...

...especially when you are a comedian / writer / renaissance man to boot. This week In Touch features my quotes in the Style Slip Ups weekly review. For Amber Rose (I don't know who she is either), I offered witty one liners such as 'Color Me Badd,' and 'Banana Boat should pay her.' Yet according to copy, I wrote 'This is totally going to give me nightmares.'
Thanks In Touch, I totally need to read gayer than I already do.
(As far as Cleopatra Kelis (top middle), I wrote 'Pyramid 54' & 'Do You Remember the Time?' Though both quotes are clearly genius, neither were inked; consider it an Emancipation extra.)
Regardless, pick up this week's I.T. to get a lil extra J.Ro in your step.

My 99th Post

I think I deserve a cupcake, and the universe agrees. Magnolia is now open on W. 3rd St at Orlando...six blocks from my Kennedy Compound. God must want me to get Diabetes, so swallow my fate I must.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Spell Clean

I believe your fridge is the one place you can always be collegiate.

So six years ago I bought a gaggle of letter magnets; this week I washed them for the first time. I took the collegiate license a little too far.

They look like fresh baby heirlooms from this angle.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Angel in Disguise

(J.Ro wears Brokeback - Napa, 2009)

Lately I've been feeling down about my rapid aging; so last night I decided to wear my Brokeback Cowboy shirt (which includes violet hues) to help lift my spirits as I strutted along Beverly Boulevard.
As I passed by a portly Persian man he was quick to call me a 'cootie,' I sped up my pace as to not infect him. He then commented loudly to his buddy, 'these f*gs walk fast.'
This display of sexual bullying made me feel like 13 year old middle school J.Ro. I wanted to feel young again, and brokeback did not let me down.

A Single Man

You know you're lonely when you receive this text from an unidentified number and your response reads:

I don't even drink coffee. But I gotta run, I only have 16 minutes to freshen up.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Manner Mac

As I took my seat after having (an as we call it in the industry) a 'killer' set at The Comedy Store Monday night, a lady sitting in the audience reached over to quickly congratulate me as another comic took the stage.

We were bestowed a shush from a guy slouching behind us with his lap top open, probably checking Twitter. Thank you, manner patrol.

(* And yes, he was a Mac.)

Love Thy Neighbor

It's very disconcerting when you feel you're about to be held up at gunpoint on the corner outside of your building.

It's even more disconcerting to escape the potential assailant only to realize he lives in your building.

Hide Your Lebowski

Straight People,

Stop displaying your DVDs on bookshelves as if they're John Steinbeck novels. DVDs belong like a 12 year old gay boy growing up in Omaha: in the closet, covered by a J.Crew peacoat, with the door tightly closed.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Call Me Kennedy

Once a season, when feeling sad about being single, I watch a Nancy Meyer's film to remind myself that there are sixty year old women facing the same problems as I.

The architectural porn of Something's Gotta Give inspired me to paint my apartment to look like Diane's Hampton's bungalow.

Growing up in Tucson, I was allured by Sonoran Green, complimented by a Honey Nectar. The swatches decieved me, my walls looked like a Cabo vacation after mucho Margaritas.
(exhibit A - Cabo)

I quickly reapplied with a White Daisy and a color called Kennedy; if I can't have the Hampton's, I'll take the vineyard.
(exibit B - Kennedy)

This experience reminds me once more what a deity Mr. Nate Berkus is.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Malcolm Madness

Today my tennis buddy, Vanessa, who lives in a posh area of LA called Hancock Park, told me two mom's from her daughter's kindergarten class are making their kids repeat kindergarten ...not because they did poorly, but because they insist their children be the oldest in the class for the benefits (brain development, athleticism, ect.) Malcolm preaches in his bible.

White people are nuts.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Sharing the Machine

There are two types of people in this world, those who empty the lint after folding, and those who live in my building.

The day I finally obtain my own washing machine, I will feel like such a Stetson Cologne Ad stud. I'll try to refrain from brag blogging when it happens, but no promises.

Fashion Starts with Your Underwear

As promised, I'm following the footsteps of Madonna's 13 year old daughter, Lourdes, by guiding fashion sensibilities via my blog.

Recently a friend (who obviously has a crush on me) sent me unmentionables as a gift, and they are fantastic. I usually buy the run of the sweatshop H&M box briefs, but now I've made a PACT to change. (both men's and women's available!)

PACT comes in a biodegradable bag and offers 10% of it's profits to OCEANA; very TOMS of them. Patterns range from quasi-gay to uber-gay and the cotton is as organic as an Ojai Orange. This is no Fruit of the Loom my friends.

PC Pride

I shocked many Romaniacs in my latest blog ('If You Don't Know Me By Now...') when I released pictures of my 2002 IBM Thinkpad; friends call it my VCR. The judgment other Angelenos display when I admit to not owning a Mac Book Pro is palpable. In this town, the only thing more embarrassing is not having an iPhone.

Guilty of both, and I have zero credit card debt to highlight my inadequacy.