Sunday, May 30, 2010

To the iPad Naysayers

To those who claim the iPad doesn't 'do' anything, I offer proof that you are incorrect.

With one touch it has revitalized Juliette Lewis's career; she hasn't gotten this much press since she starred in Kalifornia with Bradley Pitt circa '93.

(Sidenote: She should have been Oscar nominated for Whip It; J.Ro's favorite performance of 2009, no diggity no doubt.)

No Bustiers Allowed

Being the token fag hag at the gay club does not translate to being cast in a Mariah Carey video.

This note goes out to you, Ecstasy. Yes, you've earned a nick name from a stranger (never a good sign) for prancing around in your black bustier* like some drugged out Selena.

Where's Yolanda Saldivar when you need her?

*(it was almost as disturbing as my wannabe Julia Roberts photo...see below)

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Brown Alpaca vs. Buckwheat Flour

As I attempt to refashion my apartment I'm having difficulty finding a paint that offers both a hue I desire and a name that sounds cool. I might enjoy the look of Lagoon, but Artisan Well rolls off the tongue with much more fervor.

Also, White doesn't exist anymore. Instead, Martha Stewart has me in a love triangle with Glass of Milk and Bakery Box. Tailor's Chalk is also tantalizing me with it's whimsicality.

These are the moments where being a gay middle class American feels insurmountably difficult.

Monday, May 24, 2010

From Brad, to Jodie

Above is a picture of J.Ro taken less than a week ago, where he exudes confidence and looks somewhat like a pre-Angelina Brad Pitt. Or so he thought.

Since this photo was snapped I've been mistaken for a woman, twice. Once by a female flight attendant and again by a robust lesbian on The Abbey dance floor. She groped my H&M Blazer with lust, so I glared at her dead on. She proceeded to fondle my shoulder pad with indefatigable fervor.

I guess my haircut is coming off more Jodie Foster than Dustin Lance Black.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Snickers or the Stone?

Last week in the Dallas Airport I discovered Rosetta Stone, the language learning software that sells for around $500, on sale via a vending machine. How long of a layover is required to justify purchasing Rosetta Stone as if it's a Baby Ruth?

Saturday, May 22, 2010

'Sex' Predictions

S&TC2 hits theatres on Wednesday, and I predict Little Brady Brady will be diagnosed with either Autism or Aspergers; poor Miranda.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Hero of the Week = Dolly Parton

On O-Dog's Fridays Live the Dollywood admits to losing a West Hollywood Drag Queen Look-a-like contest...of herself!

"They must have thought I was some little gay midget."
-Dolly to Oprah

She is beyond a national treasure.

The Official T-Shirt

First came the bachelor party...but that wasn't enough.

So it morphed into bachelor / bachelorette weekend trips to Vegas / Cabo...but these excursions fell somehow flat.

To remedy this, came the official 'Bachelor / Bachelorette Weekend' T-shirts to be worn by all in the wedding party while in route to and from the destination.

When will you straight people stop this insanity?

(** wish I could supply pictures, but that would involve me conversing with this disturbing breed of American.)

Thursday, May 20, 2010

ATL, here I come.

One struggle we Millennials face is the improbability of being 'the first' anything. Everything has already been done...or so I thought. Today I found my calling during a layover; I plan on becoming The First Caucasian to work at the Atlanta International Airport. Be it security or Cinnabon, I'm going to break barriers.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Work Out Write

It's one thing to bring a Mead Composition Notebook to the comedy club, it's quite another to bring it to the 24 hour fitness club. This morning I witnessed a man work out with his Composition notebook resting against the Cybex machine; I assume he was conducting some sort of work out diary...and I thought I was sexually deprived.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

May 11th O-Dog

Bieber Fever on O-dog; until today I thought the song 'Baby, Baby, Ohhh!' was sung by a black girl. How clueless I would be without this hour of education.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Hero of the Week = Dr. Phil

After forty years of growth and maintanence, there's only one person on this planet powerful enough to make Dr. Phil shave his mustashe. Not wife Robin, but boss O-dog! On Oprah's Friday's Live last week, Phil got a full Brazilian and a kiss from O-dog afterwards; I need a new word for hero.

Cabo Classy

The tourist who buys this t-shirt should plan his next Mexican vacation to Cuidad Juarez.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Camisa Tradicional de Cuba

In the fall of 2000 I first became enthralled by la guayabera, la camisa tradicional de Cuba. I vowed to one day own a guayabera of my own so I could feel like a white person who'd been to Cuba...minus the cigar. This past week my dreams came true when I purchased this mint green guayabera in Cabo. Of course, the sales clerk argued that 'la guayabera es la camisa tradicional de Yucatan!' I let his ignorance slide.

(to any present or future employers: I like my Margaritas with salt, preferably in a cactus stemmed glass.)

Saturday, May 1, 2010

An Answer at Last

It's been three years since I first asked my audience, 'What ever happened to Umbros?' They used to be all the rage, now you can't even cop that shit at Marshall's. Finally an answer's been found; Umbros has quarantined itself in Chile where it's become very insular and fearful of white people with American Express. Lacoste made a big US comeback in 2003, let's hope Umbros will one day follow foot.

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