Friday, April 30, 2010

Trusting the Red Bullseye


Some people fear HPV, global warming, or international travel...for me it's the giftcards I purchase for family and friends at Target. What if the money somehow doesn't get transferred onto the card by the disgruntled minimum wage worker? Since all my family and friends (except three) are white, they would never tell me my giftcard was faulty; they would, however, tell everyone else. I might give impersonal gifts, but I don't want to be painted as any cheaper than I already am.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Death Verdict

British people with a midget are funnier...though seeing James Marsden's ass made this remake worthwhile.

Death Match


Today I'm off to see the new version of 'Death at a Funeral' to determine if black people with a midget are funnier than British people with a midget.
(This better make up for Cop Out, Mr. Morgan!)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Inbox Full


This Blue Ray phenomenon scares me. I don't know about you, but I can't afford to purchase You've Got Mail in yet another format. I love Tom, Meg, and Nora, but those bitches have seen enough of my money.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Shield My Eyes


Wouldn't it be a miracle to make it through one commercial break of O-dog (I can't afford Tivo) without Brooke Shields peddling something. She is the Colgate Queen, Coppertone Cutie, and Latisse Lady...I'm just waiting for her to replace the bearded guy from Men's Wearhouse.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Marie My Ole Mistress

After 15 years, last week I made my triumphant return to Marie Callendar's. I forgot the joys of gravy on top of hash brown eggs, three buttermilk pancakes, and a muffin...all for $7.99! What a siren she is. People in the suburbs have no idea how good they got it.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Idol Worship

Am I a Clay?

Or A Ryan?

The younger lads think the latter (read below)

This Saturday, a 12 year old kid told me I looked like Ryan Seacrest. 'You mean, Clay Aiken.' I retorted. 'No. Ryan Seacrest!' He responded with vigor. I couldn't help but blush. There might be hope for me yet; all I have to do is seek out Seacrest's tailor (his suits are the nicest cut we've seen since Bob Barker) and stay away from Aiken's hair stylist. J.Ro OUT.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Confidence is One Slot Away

Are you an Angeleno who's experiencing a lack of self esteem?

If so, plan a weekend trip to the Pechanga Resort and Casino in Temecula!

"After spending last weekend amongst the characters in your casino, I've been swaggering around like I'm the pre-Angelina Brad Pitt. I forgot how attractive I was; thanks Pechanga!"
-Jason Romaine (recent Pechanga patron)

www.pechanga.com

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Hard to Digest

Everytime I flip through Architectural Digest I suffer the same thought; why do I have such better taste than so many rich people?

Catch me tonight at MALO (4326 W. Sunset, Silverlake) 8:30. Hopefully I won't be the only guy without skinny jeans.

Monday, April 12, 2010

I'm Lovin It

McDonald's new $2.99 Snack Wrap meal deal offers just enough sodium and sugar to keep you going, plus it equals $3.25 after taxes; you get laundry quarters to boot.

http://www1.mcdonalds.com/snackwrap/index.jsp

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Hero of the Week = Mindy Lawton


The Perkin's Waitress who was Tiger's 'rag doll' revealed it all to Vanity Fair...too bad I'm a Denny's man.

Mindy's Memorable Quotes:

pg. 158 "It was the biggest I've ever seen."

pg. 161 "He told me to pull my underwear down and pull out my tampon, and we went at it with me pressed against his Escalade."

Can't wait for her to do Dancing with the Stars.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Baskin da Glory

It's incredible how many song lyrics are inspired by being 'up in the club.' The club isn't even that cool, imagine how much better lyrics would be if they pertained to a place of true delight...like Baskin Robbins.

Now that's 31 'lick' references worth rhyming about.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Reading Rogue


I read the book; here are the Cliff's Notes:

pg. 49 After being wed at the County Court House, Sarah and Todd
break bread for the first time, as man and wife, at the Wendy's Drive Thru.

pg. 65-66 According to Wal*Mart receipts, Wasilla holds the record for consuming the largest amount of Duct Tape in a single year.

pg. 76 In an ode to the Second Amendment, Sarah's friends throw her a baby shower at a shooting range.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

REJECTED: TOO CUTE

Last week I received my fifth rejection letter from an NYU graduate program:

2006 acting - rejected
2007 acting & creative writing - rejected / rejected
2008 dramatic writing - rejected
2009 dramatic writing - rejected

Do these people not realize I'm white; when people consistently
reject us we show up with guns.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Mad About Mendes


By proximity, this ad almost makes Saddle Ranch seem cool.

(Enjoy this photo? Follow www.thelaguerrilla.blogspot.com)

Free Clinic Compliment

My confidence is high right now thanks to Dee, a homeless woman I met outside the free clinic on Beverly Boulevard.* She asked if I was a dancer and told me I had strong legs. Am I a dancer? Don't make me prove it, Dee.

* I was not attending the Free Clinic, merely passing by.

The Second Juror Released

It's great to get out of jury duty. But when you're the first person the District Attorney releases after the woman who only speaks Cantonese, the $15 dollar check doesn't seem so crisp.

Advert Outside My Apt.


A.) What type of company has a 310 area code and advertises with Sharpie?

B.) Will someone pass this number along to George Lopez;
I could barely understand him in Valentine's Day.

Bittersweet Easter Basket

It's sad when a 12-year-old beats you at an Easter Egg Hunt. But like Christina Aguilera, I'm a fighter...and I have six Dove eggs, ten Hershey kisses, a dozen jelly beans, and one quarter to prove it.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Preamble

Finally, a space for me to talk about
my two favorite subjects: Oprah and myself.
Julie Powell's got nothing on me.
- J.Ro