Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Ferrari Fender Bender

Earlier today a Honda hit Justin Beiber's Ferrari.

Like everyone I was shocked, Justin Beiber is old enough to drive?

Lo on Confidence

In the August Vanity Fair my cousin J.Lo confesses "For the first time in my life, I can truly say I am loving myself."

If it took Jennifer Lopez till 42 to find self acceptance, what chance do any of us have?

Monday, August 29, 2011

Holy Guacamole

Los Angeles is full of the wrong people offering the wrong advice. One of these people is my neighbor, who told me to rub avocado on my face and hair to simultaneously cure black heads and dry hair.

My face and hair look the same, but my manhood feels a renewed sense of precariousness.

Hero of the Week = Joe Calderone

This weekend, Hurricane Irene had nothing on Hurricane Joe. Gaga's alter ego stole the show at the VMAs. He danced like Travolta, grabbed his crotch like MJ, and kissed Brit Brit like Madge. Even Beyonce's baby couldn't steal his stride.

While presenting Britney with a vanguard VMA, Joe confessed to touching himself to her posters (in his defense, we've all been there).

By the end of the evening, Calderone accomplished the impossible; he made Britney seem normal.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Hurricane Jon's

On the eve of Irene, it feels wrong to brag about Los Angeles to my east coast Romaniacs. But this week God shined on my city by closing Jons, the most revolting grocery store on the west coast.

Irene may serve up a weekend of destruction, but Jons has been endangering citizens with it's produce for decades.

John Lithgow Doesn't Live Here Anymore

This fall, Footloose returns to theatres; the story of a town where religion reigns, Mtv doesn't exist, and dirty dancing is not allowed.

To properly modernize the story, they filmed in a town seventy miles outside Tehran.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Naughty Neti

Growing older, you realize the milestones you missed. For me, it was cocaine. I never tried it, and unless I run into Whitney Houston in a unisex bathroom I never will.

To assuage my regret, I've purchased a Neti-Pot. Like Cocaine, you stick it in your nose and it feels deliciously wrong. But unlike coke, it shoots saline water up your sinuses and leaves them feeling deliciously right.

I'm a bad ass when it comes to health.