Monday, June 6, 2011

Catch the Bouquet

"At weddings, take a photo with the hottest guy there, even if he's straight with date, then facebook it like you're a couple. "
-pg. 107 The Secret

With a vision board such as this, I will not stay single much longer.

Face the Fridge

The best thing about becoming an adult is realizing the characteristics about your parents you once found mildly bizarre, are actually diagnosable disorders.

My dad suffers O.C.D. When it comes to carpet, cars, and bathtubs, all must be spotless. He refuses to enter my shower, and I use Comet.

His biggest hurdle has been the refrigerator. He likes a clean door; no magnets for this man. But now everyone is sending baby postcards. Can he maintain an O.C. acceptable fridge yet still seem accepting of other's life choices?

The answer:

10% Anne Geddes

90% Sigmund Freud

We Could Of Had It All...

Bad news = I will not be seeing Adele tonight at The Greek.

Good news = One less event I will be tagged as the partner-less gay guy crying alone in the corner.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Double Shot of Dreadful

To My Fellow Angelenos*,

In the name of Lindsay Lohan, who are these citizens who hang at The Coffee Bean caddy corner to the Beverly Center? The parking logistics alone would make me wanna B.Y.O.Kahlua.

If that billboard collapses, your extra foam will not save you.

(*For those who don't dwell in L.A., please note that sign in the bottom right corner is electric, and it rotates.)

Spare Our Children

Does another generation really have to suffer Jim Carrey?

Wait three years, release the original Pet Detective as a 20th anniversary movie event a la Star Wars, and call it a career.

Viagra For Women

To all Straight Male Romaniacs*, take copious notes:

Need sex? Apply to Anthropology.

Anthropology is where women go to masturbate. Their dressing rooms are the new Gap. When immersed in the store, women act hornier than a Gay at a Kylie concert.

Request to work expressly in bedding. Use the word "expressly" and they'll allow your "safe" penis more access to dressing rooms.

Once in bedding, linger by a display. Within an hour, at least one customer will get so turned on by the fabric, she'll have no choice but to f*ck you.


(*The only straight man who reads my blog is my married brother, so pass along to those it may assist. Like Oprah, I consider myself a teacher, and this blog is my classroom.)

Cake Princess

Tried to feel pity for "Cake Baby" Annie in Bridesmaids, but she owned a thousand dollar Anthropology headboard.

Craigslist that shit before crying over Wilson at your mom's house.