Friday, May 13, 2011

Mr. Malibu

It was announced today Matthew Perry is heading back to rehab. After suffering a whole season of Mr. Sunshine and years of Matt LeBlanc's acting, he's earned these twenty eight days of peace at Promises.

Can't blame an actor for cashing in his PTO.

Yoga Mates

Yesterday, during the meditative finale of yoga, I achieved zen by obsessing over my singlehood.

I realized yoga class makes for the perfect first date. Within three downward dogs you'll know how this person sounds (and smells) during intercourse.

If this excites you, the pheromones are in place; if this revolts you, finish with Namaste and be on your way.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Pop Your Kool-Aid

Last week was ninety degrees in Los Angeles, so I treated myself to a Kool-Aid Jammer, my first Capri Sun-like drink in sixteen years.

As I fondled the Jammer, I found myself riddled with fear. Memories of not knowing how to get the straw in the hole consumed my mind. I applied pressure, took a breath, and popped it with confidence, no leakage. In this moment of phallic victory, I realized how far I've progressed as a man.

Casanova alert.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Style Slip-Ups

Stay abreast of Bradley, Angie, Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh, and J.Ro in the current In Touch rag.

This week, J.Ro takes on the fashion missteps of Ashton Tweet-a-Lot and Amber Teen Mom Portwood.

The Scent of a Douche

The pour homme ads in this month's Vanity Fair gave me a headache. Like Paula Cole, I wonder Where Have All The Cowboys Gone, who don't peddle over the counter cologne?

No on the nipple unless in Malibu, Mr. McConnaughy.

Refrain from frolicking unless on General Hospital, Mr. Franco.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

No Money for Mickey

In 2007 my friend was Peter Pan on a Disney Cruise, so I got to attend a voyage for free.

Since then Disney has sent me paraphernalia regarding their five star getaways, all of which cost more per couple than my total yearly rent.

These pamphlets flatter me. I've successfully sold a false image of myself to a company that prides itself on it's own false image. If I can play Disney a fool, what other conglomerates can I hoodwink?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Better Than Any Prescription

Being under thirty and needing insoles should be shameful, but my new Dr. Scholl's got me feeling so good, I can only do the happy dance. If I were a C-list celebrity, I'd gladly be their spokesman.