Monday, January 31, 2011

A Friend Doesn't Weigh Suitcases

Dear United Airlines,

No, I do not want to be friends with you on Facebook. And if forced to pick a buddy to fly frisbee with, I'd chose Virgin America over you. Thanks for giving me the whole can of apple juice, but it's gonna take more for me to click 'accept.'

Monday, January 24, 2011

Emma Who?

Today online news sources reported Emma Bunton is finally engaged.

I had to google Emma Bunton to find out who she is, and I consider myself a Spice Girls historian. I guess the right ring can make even Baby Spice taste fresh again.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Sock Triumph

For maybe the third time in my adult life, all my socks matched up after laundry yesterday. 2011 is turning out to be a year of huge success for me.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Global Tourist

Don't know about you, but I couldn't sleep last night.

I'm too anxious to see if The Tourist takes home best picture at tonight's Golden Globes.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Resolution Delusion

At my last stand up show, a girl in the audience claimed she made 20 New Year's resolutions. This is like having 20 protagonists in a film, it will probably turn out like Valentine's Day instead of Love Actually.

Thanks to this girl's delusions, I shortened my list.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Print The Pain

Next to hemorrhoids, is there anything more painful than setting up a new printer?

Not that I've ever had hemorrhoids.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Double Dosage

Dear Oz's

America welcomes only one famous Dr. per family. Why? If you two ever divorce, we the people will be forced to choose whose method of self help to keep in daily life, and whose to discard except during holidays and special occasions.

Placing us in this Sophie situation is thoroughly un-gurulike.