Sunday, October 31, 2010

Moscow Mates

As if the parallels between Oprah and I weren't already glaring, I found out Friday we share a favorite drink,the Moscow Mule!

Oprah served 'em up to the camp ground neighbors on Part 1 of her and Gayle's Yosemite camping trip. Only three ingredients were missing: Travolta, a Kangaroo, and J.Ro!

Hope Diddy didn't catch her using that Grey Goose.

Saturday, October 30, 2010


In Los Angeles, your birthday lasts a month and Halloween now apparently lasts a week.

10% of Angelenos have been in costume since Wednesday, 20% have dressed normal, and the other 70% may or may not be trick or treating with their fashion...but one thing's for certain, a Snickers they do not deserve.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Positive Identification

As they say, when God gives you kidney stones you may also pass a diamond.

Such is the case with my I.D. photo debacle. After taking another dismal California State Driver's License picture, I was given one last chance to redeem my image...My UCLA Bruins card.

At last I look cool, confident, and Nate Berkus-like...which will hopefully make up for how cheap I'll seem when I flash it for student discounts.

Pathetic Poster Boy

The bad thing about being gay is you receive birthday cards such as these, usually reserved for post-menopausal women.

These cards stir pity inside my soul. If I owned abs, I would be the lead, or Courtney's boy toy on Cougar Town, or at the very least a walk on role in a telenovela. I would not let my crunches accumulate to posing in an unbottoned orange silk short sleeve dress shirt for $200 dollars.

His whole situation is too sad to be sexy. Don't even get me started on his whitewashed jeans.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Hero of the Week = Diddy

This past Saturday, the Romaine family threw some elbows to get bottle service at the straight, sleezy, spendy club Pure, at Caesar's Palace. My Docto-brother gladly forked over 600 dollars because P.Diddy was promised to make an appearance, and that bad boy was worth every benjamin.

He sang every diddy he sampled, Biggie sampled, and Mase sampled. We partied like it was 1999. As Diddy made it rain, I found myself holding a crisp $1 bill, wearing Kanye-style striped sunglasses, and feeling sixteen all over again.

In that moment of bliss, Diddy himself forgot he was 41 years old and the father of five illegitimate children. For it was 2am and he was screaming 'All you Grey Goose mothafuc8ers, need to drink da Ciroc!'
As he sprayed room temperature vodka over the crowd, I felt proud he removed the title 'daddy' from his name.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Who Raised This Vegan?

Confession: I own the 1993 film, The Crush (I got it at Wal*Mart for 3.99!)

In the movie, 13 year old Alicia Silverstone impregnates herself through the contents of Cary Elwes' used condom. What parent would let their 13 year old see this film, let alone star in it?

There is no excuse, unless they were Princess Bride which case I grant a pardon.

Monday, October 25, 2010


To lick the Bondi Beach sea salt off my Oprah Ultimate Viewer wounds, I've applied to tourism Australia's nothinglikeaustralia contest! Each contestant posts a personal pic and quote, the winner receives a $10,000 Oz-venture.

Above is my submission; I decided to post a picture of the Opera House at sunrise, what other contestant has ever captured an image so inventive? I'm gonna pet a Koala, O-dog...with or without Harpo!