Friday, September 3, 2010

Thank God I'm Alive


Last night I performed at the T.G.I.Fridays in Torrance, a working class suburb of Los Angeles.

Presenting gay-centric stand up in Torrance is a lot like instituting a drag show in Laramie...one dull sequin and you're Dexter-ed.

At the end of my set, a drunk guy wearing jean shorts in a non-ironic fashion approached me. I began shaking in my faux-seersucker H&M Blazer, what slur must I suffer?

Instead he gave me the coolest compliment of my career. He looked at me, away from my eye, and exclaimed, "You're queer, but you're funny. Nice jacket!"

Sounds like I brought the right amount of flair to the red and white striped table.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

I'm Lovin It.

Due to popular demand, I've posted more pics of cracked out Courtney, free of charge.



My Cup Runneth

I just spent the day out in Malibu, in the back of a 1998 Mustang convertible, cupping a girl's bare breasts. Can any straight guy top that?

Thought not. To quote my hero Will, How 'bout them apples!?

(*No live evidence available yet, but I will keep you abreast as to when this Girls Gone Wild edition hits the video store.)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

20% to make me smell?


When did it become standard practice for a restaurant patron to ask his waiter to 'find him' a cigarette?

This breed of customer always promises they'll leave a 'good tip' if delivered the goods. No thanks, three extra dollars isn't gonna cover the L'Oreal I'll need to erase the smell of your dirty habit from my blond locks.

I'm a waiter, not a tableside concierge.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Legally Attractive

I've changed outfits three times and keep adding pomade to my hair. I'm gearing up for a date with the DMV. Getting a new license is like school picture day, except this picture defines you for four years or longer, if no change of address is necessary.

My latest passport photo left me looking like a white boy lost in Rwanda. So today is crucial in determining the self esteem of my legal identity.

The next time I get pulled over, may the cop mistake me for Nate Berkus instead of Clay Aiken.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Situation or State of Emergency?


This look is so loud, he can't hear the buzzer on his fifteen minutes.


Catch Angie, JA...and J.Ro (Style Slip Ups, pg. 75) in this week's In Touch.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Smitten with this Kitten

The following statement might get my travel Visa revoked from Japan; I don't like Hello Kitty. Her speech is heavily slurred, her thoughts are somewhat vapid...plus I'm allergic.


My prejudice evaporated last Friday when Hello Kitty made a cameo at my job to wish Happy Birthday to a thirty year old restaurant patron. Kitty was taller than I expected, and her eyesight is very bad; I had to escort her to the table by hand.

Full of affable giggles, I still could barely make out her words, but her presence was undeniably endearing. She left this one time naysayer searching for a reason to buy a lunchbox.

Meow indeed.