Showing posts with label 323 antics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 323 antics. Show all posts

Monday, February 18, 2013

After 10pm


Being friends with Marlene Dietrich sounds dreadful.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

A Time To Diet


Matthew McConaughey's new look makes Anne Hathaway's I Dreamed A Dream girl look porky.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Living In Candyland

First Magnolia moves down the street, now Georgetown is opening across the street.


It's as if God doesn't want me to have abs.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Free Narcissistic Litmus


I recently found this brochure outside my L.A. apartment.


In a town where the only curiosity anyone has points inward, I cannot believe they had to promote such a self-actualizing free appraisal.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Homeo & Juliet


Our newest episode features comedians Amy Witry & Shelby Stockton.

www.homeoandjuliet.net

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Deep Throat 101

I recently discovered UCLA offers a course on pornography.


I knew I should have gone undergrad on the west coast.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

LA Blizzard


When it falls below 70 degrees in Los Angeles, outdoor seating officially shuts down.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Life Before The Envelope

Many Romaniacs have been asking, who is the actress living in your apartment complex?


I have enough creeps trying to break into my minimum security building because I live here; I respect my safety too much to incentivize more stalkers.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Life After The Envelope

The economy is so rough, an Academy Award nominated actress has moved into my building.


I was going to bake her cookies. But if she's renting a first floor apartment she probably can't further my career, and I'm not willing to be neighborly without an obtainable ulterior motive.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Dog Eat Dog Town

When people ask me to describe L.A., I can never find the words.


But a clear image comes to mind.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Abdomen Denied

To protect their reputation, Kitson hung this sign on their store.


Kitson, we all know The Situation isn't a big enough douche to shop on Robertson. Your clientele remains safely self-aggrandizingly grotesque.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Cutco on Wheels


Yesterday I saw a knife sharpening store on wheels.


Unless they're supplying crystal meth along with sharpened cutlery, I don't know how they afford the diesel.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Hollywood Hills Dictionary


Not sure which is more shocking, Spencer Pratt realizing the error of his ways, or Spencer Pratt using the word retrospect?

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Poetry In Motion

Last week my car was in the shop, so I ventured where few Anglo-Saxon Angelenos have gone before, the bus.


On the bus I sat next to a poem.


Don't know which is more bizarre, the fact the poem was riding the bus, or that it was written in English.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Bearly Legal


In Los Angeles, even Smokey The Bear is forced to turn up the sex appeal and dumb down to a younger demographic. Don't be surprised if he has a cameo in The Hangover 2.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Crash: The Sequel

Yesterday I performed the ritual every American partakes of on Sunday, shopping.

But my jaunt to the Beverly Center took a dramatic turn when a black girl approached me at H&M and uttered those four words every white man dreads "do you work here?" Just because I'm pasty and have a quasi-Jewel tooth doesn't mean I unlock dressing rooms.


Later that day, while waiting tables, a couple from England showed me a photo from their visit to Madame Tussauds . The husband thought this wax figure was Morgan Freeman, the wife thought it was Cuba Gooding Jr.


I had to be the one to tell them it was Oprah's longtime boyfriend, Stedman Graham.

Whether they were being racist or just British is hard to say, but their ignorance combined with my "Oprah Hermes" moment at H&M made me realize our Obamanation still has a long way to go.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Halloweek


In Los Angeles, your birthday lasts a month and Halloween now apparently lasts a week.

10% of Angelenos have been in costume since Wednesday, 20% have dressed normal, and the other 70% may or may not be trick or treating with their fashion...but one thing's for certain, a Snickers they do not deserve.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Talkin' Smack


To celebrate my 200th 'Emancipation' Blog post, I decided to awake early and take in the splendor of Runyon Canyon.

My favorite thing about Runyon is eavesdropping on the straight girls who flock up the hill in therapeutic duos.

Here is an excerpt from a conversation captured today at 7:55am:

Spandex 1 "The good thing is, Coke wears off pretty fast."
Spandex 2 nods her head in utter agreement

I wonder what they discuss at happy hour?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Second, Only to See's Candy

You know you've lived in California too long when you purchase a "snack" which contains the word Seaweed in it's title.

You know you've lived in Hollywood too long when you convince yourself this snack is fulfilling.

A real snack should weigh more than the packaging it comes in.

A City Without Windshield Wipers

The best thing about L.A. is when it rains, the five o'clock news leads with it as if it's breaking news.

(view from my apartment yesterday)
The only thing I see slightly newsworthy about this picture is the bomb this man may or may not be planting on my dry cleaner's roof.