Friday, December 17, 2010

Rap Goes 'Hey Hey'

Has anyone else noticed rap lyrics have gone gay?

The new song by Kid Cudi declares:

"All the crazy sh** I did tonight, those will be the best memories.
I just wanna let it go for a while, that will be the best therapy for me."

Coolio would have had his dreads cut off if he rhymed the word therapy back in '95. We are making progress.

There's Only One Mickey

Last night I finally saw Black Swan.

Fun movie...except the ending completely copied The Wrestler.

Being a fan of your own work can be dangerous, but don't worry Darren, it's a struggle I embrace everyday.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I Feel Like Such A Man!

Earlier this week I bought my new Mac Book.

And today, I successfully set up wireless internet. All. By. Myself.

Right now, I'm officially blogging from my sofa; it's so refreshing not having to trek all the way to my desk to type about myself.

Later tonight, I plan to gChat from my bed just so I can feel like Tom Hanks in You've Got Mail.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Cougar Cruise

Just when you think Norwegian Cruise Line can't get more trashy, they hike their sails higher.

The Norwegian Sky is set to embark on it's third Cougar Cruise; only younger men and older women may join the buffet. Something tells me Courtney Cox will not be sipping Malbec on the sundeck.

These men better read Life of Pi before they board!

Friday, November 12, 2010

HP What?

To the marketing team behind HP7, you are not a Nintendo Wii game, you're Harry Potter! No trendy abbrevs allowed.

Shame on J.K. for allowing the Muggles to muck this up.

Marathon Cheerleader

Last Sunday I volunteered at the mile 24 water stop for the NYC marathon.

As I watched the runners in agony, I struggled to find the right words to serenade them with.

"Almost there!" True but annoying.
"Looking good!" Sweet but a lie.
"Keep it up!" Inspirational but obvious.

Finally, I settled on:

"If P.Diddy can do it, so can you!"
Irritating yet flashy, New York to the last .2 mile!

Mini Mumbai

As many Romanaics know, I recently voyaged to the DMV to get a new license.

I actually enjoy the DMV. Ever since reading Jhumpa Lahiri's The Namesake I've wanted a passage to India, and the DMV, in many ways, is like a mini-Mumbai: complete chaos, kids running around without shoes, everyone appears disease ridden. But unlike India, you only need one malaria pill to go.*

*Two if you go on Monday when the line is extra long.

Pathetic Pumpkins

(November 8th)

After election day, pumpkins must be packed up. This rule is as rigid as no white shoes post Labor Day. Pumpkins still parading around look like the prom queen who wears her tiara to class the following Monday.

(November 9th)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

O How I love G

Today was Part 2 of Oprah and Gayle's Camping Adventure.

Just when I think I cannot possibly adore Gayle more than I already do, she lays another golden nugget.

Gayle: 'I'm spoiled and I make no apologies for it.'

Oprah: 'I'm not spoiled.'

Gayle: 'Oh, Oprah, Please!'

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Hero of the Week = Trump

Last week the Donald returned to The View, 20 points, to talk about possibly running for elected office, 80 points.

Just when we're popping steriods over Schwarzenegger's final pump, the Gods throw us this wig.

After the first commercial break, Trump switched topic to Celebrity Apprentice and how smart Lisa Rinna proves to be on the new season, 100 bonus points.

May his campaign slogan be 'You Can't Trump This!'

The Ultimate Haikus

Many Romaniacs have written in to proclaim my picture and quote for Tourism Australia's contest wasn't very inspired.

So once more I humbly plea to the Harpo gatekeepers to find an extra seat on Johnny T's jet.

To show my Quantas spirit, I've decided to post a few Haikus about my love of Australia, Oprah, and life.

Travolta and Gayle
Oprah's best friends are so great
We will all Bondi

Kangaroo by me
Oprah with a koala
outback memories

Sydney skies glow great
With Oprah there we debate
will they glow greater?

I like Opera
But heart the house of Harpo
Down under dilemma

*Below I've attached a few more haikus inspired by recent Oprah episodes.

O-Dog Haiku - November 2nd Show

Ricky Martin, yes!
Oprah, she bangs brilliance
Upside, inside out

O-Dog Haiku - November 1st Show

Portia a Princess
Oprah a camera queen
Truth and beauty shine

Monday, November 1, 2010

Election Day

To all my facebook friends, only celebrities can convince fellow Americans to vote. If your name isn't Christina Aguilera, I'm not persuaded by your 'remember to vote' newsfeed plea.

Regardless of what Christina or you tell me to do, I'm heading over to Carmel Assisted Living tomorrow to punch some holes...because I have a crush on Gavin Newsom.

Bloody Bloody Patrick Bateman

Every year I suffer dread around Halloween. For someone as theatrical as myself, I have a hard time committing to a costume.

But this year all that changed. Next to Clay Aiken, the celebrity people tell me I look most like is Christian Bale.

After a few hours with corn syrup, red food coloring and extra firm hair gel, I was ready for my reservations at Dorsia!

Call me overtly Method, but when I commit, I don't just stare at it, I eat it.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Moscow Mates

As if the parallels between Oprah and I weren't already glaring, I found out Friday we share a favorite drink,the Moscow Mule!

Oprah served 'em up to the camp ground neighbors on Part 1 of her and Gayle's Yosemite camping trip. Only three ingredients were missing: Travolta, a Kangaroo, and J.Ro!

Hope Diddy didn't catch her using that Grey Goose.

Saturday, October 30, 2010


In Los Angeles, your birthday lasts a month and Halloween now apparently lasts a week.

10% of Angelenos have been in costume since Wednesday, 20% have dressed normal, and the other 70% may or may not be trick or treating with their fashion...but one thing's for certain, a Snickers they do not deserve.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Positive Identification

As they say, when God gives you kidney stones you may also pass a diamond.

Such is the case with my I.D. photo debacle. After taking another dismal California State Driver's License picture, I was given one last chance to redeem my image...My UCLA Bruins card.

At last I look cool, confident, and Nate Berkus-like...which will hopefully make up for how cheap I'll seem when I flash it for student discounts.

Pathetic Poster Boy

The bad thing about being gay is you receive birthday cards such as these, usually reserved for post-menopausal women.

These cards stir pity inside my soul. If I owned abs, I would be the lead, or Courtney's boy toy on Cougar Town, or at the very least a walk on role in a telenovela. I would not let my crunches accumulate to posing in an unbottoned orange silk short sleeve dress shirt for $200 dollars.

His whole situation is too sad to be sexy. Don't even get me started on his whitewashed jeans.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Hero of the Week = Diddy

This past Saturday, the Romaine family threw some elbows to get bottle service at the straight, sleezy, spendy club Pure, at Caesar's Palace. My Docto-brother gladly forked over 600 dollars because P.Diddy was promised to make an appearance, and that bad boy was worth every benjamin.

He sang every diddy he sampled, Biggie sampled, and Mase sampled. We partied like it was 1999. As Diddy made it rain, I found myself holding a crisp $1 bill, wearing Kanye-style striped sunglasses, and feeling sixteen all over again.

In that moment of bliss, Diddy himself forgot he was 41 years old and the father of five illegitimate children. For it was 2am and he was screaming 'All you Grey Goose mothafuc8ers, need to drink da Ciroc!'
As he sprayed room temperature vodka over the crowd, I felt proud he removed the title 'daddy' from his name.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Who Raised This Vegan?

Confession: I own the 1993 film, The Crush (I got it at Wal*Mart for 3.99!)

In the movie, 13 year old Alicia Silverstone impregnates herself through the contents of Cary Elwes' used condom. What parent would let their 13 year old see this film, let alone star in it?

There is no excuse, unless they were Princess Bride which case I grant a pardon.

Monday, October 25, 2010


To lick the Bondi Beach sea salt off my Oprah Ultimate Viewer wounds, I've applied to tourism Australia's nothinglikeaustralia contest! Each contestant posts a personal pic and quote, the winner receives a $10,000 Oz-venture.

Above is my submission; I decided to post a picture of the Opera House at sunrise, what other contestant has ever captured an image so inventive? I'm gonna pet a Koala, O-dog...with or without Harpo!

A Bad Idea, from Top to Bottom

I joined to meet my future husband, sure I like chick flicks and pink, but I can't tell my grandkids we met at a blind Bottoms event.

Consider this my 'Not Attending' RSVP. Though I will forward the invite to my on-again/off-again cuddle bear, 50 Cent.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

No One Asked for Your 50 Cent!

After four teen suicides, 50 Cent tweeted:

“If you a man and your over 25 and you don’t eat pu**y just kill your self damn it. The world will be a better place. Lol.”

If he can guarantee God doesn't have the song Candy Shop on her itune heaven mix, I might consider his proposal.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Hero of the Week = Levi

Today Levi Johnston appeared on The View to talk about his candidacy for Mayor of Wasilla!

Whoopi: What is your platform?
Levi: Nothing.

This is the type of honesty politics has been missing; Levi has my Playgirl vote!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

My Red Lobster Card

After last month's post titled Legally Attractive, many Romaniacs have asked if I succeeded in obtaining a studly license picture.

To insure my success, I partook in a lil' sunbathing pre-shoot. But I forgot California license cameras come with some sort of tanning mechanism, so people who shoot in late February look fantastic, but in early September...

...people look fresh out of a chemical peel. My identity has been lobstered, and I must carry this face o crimson shame for the next five years.

Friday, October 15, 2010

October 14th O-Dog

Yesterday Oprah interviewed a Mormon family consisting of a husband and his four wives.

I'm all for polygamy, but if you go on Oprah to talk about the salacious details, pop by the gym first...or at least visit Supercuts.

Next Time, Just Call Me J.Ro

As if spending 450 dollars on a flight to Pittsburgh for the holidays wasn't sad enough, when Orbitz forgot to send me a confirmation I was forced to call east, where 'Steve' from Bangalore repeatedly answered my concerns with Ma'am.

Trust me Steve, if I was a woman of refinement, I wouldn't be flying coach on Continental.

Not as Easy as Spelling Bee

Today I received this photo and wrote a joke based on Katy Perry's dreadful fashion sense. When I went to spell check, mysteriously the word zeebra was highlighted. I've been misspelling zebra zeebra.

If I was in a first grade, this would be acceptably sad. But I've been in this zoo too long to not know my stripes.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Two Blondes is Better Than One

This week my girl Glee crush, Quinn, cheated on me with my boy Glee crush, the new guy. I've never enjoyed having my heart stomped on so much...let's hope this time she uses protection!

His lips put Angelina to shame.